What to do if a friend betrays you (blog marathon post 10)
Pedro de Sousa
Today, I received this mail from a reader. (shared with permission)
I just read your blog on friendship.
You have always portrayed friends in a positive light... Except for the one in the novel 'tea for two and a piece of cake' . Personally I have like the worst kind of experience when it comes to this ship 'friendship' .. I do not know whether it is because I go out of way to help people.What would your advice be in the following situation?I was very close to this girl. And we became close because she was going through a bad phase in her life. And I was always there, no matter whether I had an exam or whether I was sick. And she never cared what I wanted. And then finally I came to know that she used to talk bad about me.... I was very hurt. When I confronted her she chucked it off.. I went under depression. She now treats me like it's my fault. I also said sorry.
Now I guess she doesn't need me anymore.Hope you doing well with your books.. Looking forward
At some point or other, all of us have been betrayed by friends. We place all our trust in a person who we think is our good friend. Then they betray us. Sometimes they talk ill about us. Sometimes they completely stop talking to us for reasons best known to them. Sometimes they get offended and even as you stare horrified at how terribly your friend misinterpreted your words, they lash out at you, or worse, walk away.
No matter what you do, you can never take an 'insurance' when it comes to friendship. There are simply no safety nets. If you open yourself out to people, you make yourself vulnerable.
Does the answer lie then in not opening yourself? No!
It's about choosing the right people as your friend.
If you are the kind of person who cannot say no to unreasonable requests from friends, I would highly recommend the book 'Don't say yes, when you want to say no' by Herbert Fensterheim and Jean Baer. Internalise and practise the things they say in the book.
The thing about friendship is that it HAS to be a two way street. If you find yourself constantly chasing your friend, and hey are too busy for you, stop doing that. If you get a feeling of being 'used' by a friend, give he friendship some space till the friend gets the message.
I too have had friends who have talked behind my backs. For me that is a MASSIVE no-no. It is a deal breaker. I have walked away from such friendships. Cut them out of my life completely.
It's better to be alone than have friends like those.
And yes---there are always books, podcasts and your family for company.
Most importantly, learn to enjoy your own company.
Do you agree?
Do any of you have any advice for this reader? If so, please leave do leave your thoughts in my comment box. Your words could be of solace.
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Check out my books: http://preeti.io/amazon
If you help and try to help other people expecting to get the same treatment back, then I won't call it friendship. It's just desperate measure to make a friend. You help or be a friend to someone coz you can and you want to. If they don't see it the way you want them to see it, it's not your mistake. Just let be. Emotionally investing in a relationship, be it friendship cannot be a one way street. You invest more if you feel the other respects and responds. If otherwise you are just as building your own demise.
ReplyDeleteThere are a lot of people out there..let one experience not make you hate or scare this beautiful bond of friends.
ReplyDeleteKnow it wasn't your fault, feel proud of your deeds for your friends.
Right now I have a neighbor couple who pretend to be our friends but just can't take no and get easily offended. They think we should be able for them 24*7 no matter what- in glee, gay or game. After a few no-s from me and my husband now they talk at our back, try to turn us against each other (me and my husband) and are jealous for no reasons. Yet they open up their big mouth to ask for help after what they do to us when it's all nice with them. Some people are unbelievable
ReplyDeleteSometimes I feel as if you have done research on my life, Preeti! You write about things which have happened to me/happening to me at the moment. When it comes to friendship, I have had my share of all the ups and downs. When I try to be nice, I end up getting hurt. When I try to be mean, I feel guilty and try not to behave rudely. Sometimes, I want to confront the person who spoke bad about me, but I feel as if I will be affected or punished more, so keep quiet. Friendship is a ship which sails in so many directions. We the sailor should know which way to go but should be prepared to face all the low and high tides!
ReplyDeletePreeti is right. I m sure we all have had our share of ups and downs with friends. And preeti is right when you say we should learn from mistakes and chose friends carefully. I have had very bad friends or to say mean people in my life during my college life who would use me only for studies or exams notes or to get close to other girls. But yes with time we get to know who are your true well wishers and who are not. With whom your equation is equal and with whom its one sided. The mistake would be yours if despite knowing the truth you cannot stand for your self or take the strong decision to cut that person out of your life just because you are emotionally weak. Emotional strength is not easy task but to save yourself from such hurts of heart we need to be emotionally strong. We all care about our physical cleanliness but what about emotional hygiene. We need to invest time and energy on that as well. Please read about emotional strength. Preeti follows it very religious and is an epitome of a strong women be it physically or emotionally and as her readers we all should follow her advises to be emotionally strong....thanks preeti...
ReplyDeleteIf a friend betrays you then certainly he or she doesn't deserve your friendship anymore. But for our own mental peace, one need to forgive but shouldn't forget this betrayal. It's better to be with your foes than to be with such fake friends.
ReplyDeleteEvery person goes through tough phase in his/her life and during that phase, is willing to accept whatever emotional support he/she can get. Once out of the phase, some people are not thankful to all those who have been supportive. That is, sometimes, understandable but - to talk bad about someone behind their back is unacceptable.
ReplyDeleteIt is not only wrong, unethical it is a sin.
The concerned person says he even said sorry. For what? For being there?
He should have not apologized. People tend to take us for granted if we are always available and emotionally flexible.
Since we are outsiders to this event our perspective is biased as it is based on what we hear and from whom.
We should not be a part of someone's life if they do not need us. There is a limit to all the caring we have to offer, beyond that limit it becomes trespassing. It is best to leave the girl alone and move on.
There ought to be other people in his life who really appreciate him.
Eventually, the girl might realise her mistake and get in touch. To let her in or not, would then be his choice.
GBU
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