Five most important things to decide before marriage
Yesterday, in my post I'd asked you if you wanted me to write on a specific topic. I got many requests for various topics; One of the messages I got was this one:
The men who are reading this--please don't bristle at what I am about to say. I say it as I see it.
The way I see it, parents in India still have a mentality of marriage being the end goal for girls. The Indian society is largely geared towards 'getting the daughter married off before she is 'too old', the 'too-old' being dictated by the community which the family belongs to.
According to a 2019 report from the Ministry of Statistics and Programme Implementation, the overall average age of marriage for girls in India is 22.1 years , though the median age lies at 19 years.
It's easy to see why. In a largely patriarchal society, the younger the girl, the easier it is for the groom's family to 'mould' her into whatever they want her to be. Most Indian women are conditioned to 'take care' of the husband and his family after marriage.( Please remember that 65.07% of the Indian population is rural, as on 2020 from the data compiled by World bank. The attitudes in Rural India contrast sharply to the ones in Urban India)
Hence I can understand why this reader asked me the question about women achieving their dreams 'after marriage' and 'without disturbing family'.
This mindset has to change.
The woman has every right to pursue all her dreams after marriage (as much as the man does too).
Here are FIVE most important things that you MUST discuss and agree on, before you get married.
1. Please discuss your career goals with the person you are going to marry. Tell them what is important to you. If you live in different cities, then decide beforehand how you are going to manage. Will you live apart? Don't give up your job and move to the other person's town or city just because you are a woman. You partner has to be supportive of your career goals.
2. Have a frank discussion on what your views are about having children. Both of you should have the same views on how many kids you want to have, whether to want to have children at all, and how are the duties going to be divided once you have children. This is extremely important.
3. Please agree that raising a family is not the woman's responsibility alone. Hence there's no question of 'having a career without disturbing the family'. A marriage is a 50-50 partnership. He does his bit, and you do yours.
4. Agree about who is going to cook meals on a regular basis and what kind of food will be made. Please divide the duties equally--whether you hire a cook, or have to supervise the maid, or have to be home because the Internet guy is coming to fix the connection etc etc (you get the picture). The house will not run on its own. If you agree beforehand, there are lesser chances of conflict.
5. Please discuss about your financial goals. Have a common account for the household expenses where you both contribute equally. Have individual accounts. I know many women give up their jobs after they get married, because they are pressurised into doing so. Don't! Please retain your financial independence. The balance in the marriage is maintained when both partners hold the reins to the finance, else it tilts towards the person who is earning (no matter how understanding and nice they are).
A marriage is a lifelong contract. It is a commitment, and you have to work at the relationship. There are going to be many ups and downs. It helps to lay the ground rules.
I hope these tips help.
If you want to read a fictional book about a marriage gone sour, read The Secret Wishlist.
A few copies are still available. They will soon go out of stock as Westland is shutting down.
Leave me a comment, and tell me what you think .
And yes, if you want me to blog about any specific thing, let me know in the comment box.
This is post 2 of the blog marathon that I am doing. (30 days 30 new posts) . Hit subscribe if you want it in your inbox.
Will blog again tomorrow.