Five most important things to decide before marriage
Yesterday, in my post I'd asked you if you wanted me to write on a specific topic. I got many requests for various topics; One of the messages I got was this one:
The men who are reading this--please don't bristle at what I am about to say. I say it as I see it.
The way I see it, parents in India still have a mentality of marriage being the end goal for girls. The Indian society is largely geared towards 'getting the daughter married off before she is 'too old', the 'too-old' being dictated by the community which the family belongs to.
According to a 2019 report from the Ministry of Statistics and Programme Implementation, the overall average age of marriage for girls in India is 22.1 years , though the median age lies at 19 years.
It's easy to see why. In a largely patriarchal society, the younger the girl, the easier it is for the groom's family to 'mould' her into whatever they want her to be. Most Indian women are conditioned to 'take care' of the husband and his family after marriage.( Please remember that 65.07% of the Indian population is rural, as on 2020 from the data compiled by World bank. The attitudes in Rural India contrast sharply to the ones in Urban India)
Hence I can understand why this reader asked me the question about women achieving their dreams 'after marriage' and 'without disturbing family'.
This mindset has to change.
The woman has every right to pursue all her dreams after marriage (as much as the man does too).
Here are FIVE most important things that you MUST discuss and agree on, before you get married.
1. Please discuss your career goals with the person you are going to marry. Tell them what is important to you. If you live in different cities, then decide beforehand how you are going to manage. Will you live apart? Don't give up your job and move to the other person's town or city just because you are a woman. You partner has to be supportive of your career goals.
2. Have a frank discussion on what your views are about having children. Both of you should have the same views on how many kids you want to have, whether to want to have children at all, and how are the duties going to be divided once you have children. This is extremely important.
3. Please agree that raising a family is not the woman's responsibility alone. Hence there's no question of 'having a career without disturbing the family'. A marriage is a 50-50 partnership. He does his bit, and you do yours.
4. Agree about who is going to cook meals on a regular basis and what kind of food will be made. Please divide the duties equally--whether you hire a cook, or have to supervise the maid, or have to be home because the Internet guy is coming to fix the connection etc etc (you get the picture). The house will not run on its own. If you agree beforehand, there are lesser chances of conflict.
5. Please discuss about your financial goals. Have a common account for the household expenses where you both contribute equally. Have individual accounts. I know many women give up their jobs after they get married, because they are pressurised into doing so. Don't! Please retain your financial independence. The balance in the marriage is maintained when both partners hold the reins to the finance, else it tilts towards the person who is earning (no matter how understanding and nice they are).
A marriage is a lifelong contract. It is a commitment, and you have to work at the relationship. There are going to be many ups and downs. It helps to lay the ground rules.
I hope these tips help.
If you want to read a fictional book about a marriage gone sour, read The Secret Wishlist.
A few copies are still available. They will soon go out of stock as Westland is shutting down.
Leave me a comment, and tell me what you think .
And yes, if you want me to blog about any specific thing, let me know in the comment box.
This is post 2 of the blog marathon that I am doing. (30 days 30 new posts) . Hit subscribe if you want it in your inbox.
Will blog again tomorrow.
I agree with all the points! All this are important to be discussed before marriage, so that there are no conflicts and shock factors after marriage. Also now, though not as important as above mentioned points, in present times, it is also important to let your partner know how you want living arrangement to be- like nuclear family or with living with in-laws (either of the parents; but as taking patriarchal India into consideration, it's often girls who moves in with guy and his family), cause often this becomes a issue later.ReplyDelete
I agree 100%. It's an important thing to decide before marriage.Delete
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Why did you delete the comment?! :)Delete
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Thanks ❤alot mam for writing, after reading your books, your insta posts, blogs, I feel very connected to you but after reading this blog I feel more connected to you❤❤❤. I really wished that girls age for marriage should be atleast 21 to get married & yes I really felt very happy after the rule has come up regarding this by government as i wished. This rule is like an achievement for girls...to get mentally, physically strong before marriage. The secret wish list, The rule breakers, Life is what you make it, whatever happens it happens for a reason, the one you cannot have, when live came calling and all your books are amazing mam. You are my role model mam🤗❤, May God bless you always 🙏ReplyDelete
Thanks a lot. I agree and I think it is a great development that the marriageable age is raised!Delete
I liked it. Lots of love to you mam💝ReplyDelete
Lots of love <3Delete
Namaskaram Preetiji.Firstly it is an absolute delight to again be a witness to your spectacular blog marathon.Thank you so much for being an amazingly inspiring creative person and a genuinely beautiful person.You are the only best selling author I know who makes such a sweet gesture of replying to the comments and messages of your fans who are awe-inspiried by you and the fact that you do all this without thinking about any material gain increases my respect and love for you manifold.Sorry today my comments would be long coz I am super super exited and elated because yourReplyDelete
blogathon is back.
Heh heh Long comments are welcome! Thank you for the kind compliments!Delete
Beautifully written and an amazing thought clarity.Mam why did you feel that men would be angry at your article.I feel that all the things you mention are gender neutral.I feel apart from discussing the nitty-gritty it equally important to understand the nature of the other person how flexible or non-flexible he or she is and whether you would be respectful to each other and each other's families.ReplyDelete
Being a man I would like to meet a person who has her individual identity and who is caring,assertive and inspiring whom I can listen to with rapt attention.But then it becomes my first priority to dedicate myself to her with complete respect and care.
Once both people understand this all else will be a breeze.
I agree, it's important. But the thing is so many things happen to us that we change. If both partners change at the same pace, it is fine. The discrepancies arise when the pace of change is different.Delete
Hello Ma'am..Can you please write about life of a girl after marriage...leaving her family especially her Dad who she loves the most...Please Ma'am...ReplyDelete
Why do you look at it as 'leaving your dad'? Wouldn't you move to a new city if you get a new job? It's a life change, a new chapter. It is important to be independent. Your identity cannot be tied down entirely to your parents. You can't always be in the shade. You need to find your spot in the sun!!Delete
Thanks for your valuable Words Ma'amDelete
Dear Madam,What is your normal routine ?You continue to inspireReplyDelete
The five important things to decide before marriage should be printed, framed and given as a gift to each and everyone who is on the verge of getting married. The beautiful words of advice made me wonder why no one ever told me all these things before! Your books are such a huge source of inspiration, Preeti. Believe it or not, "The Secret Wishlist" was the first book of yours that I had read and loved it a lot because I could relate to the character and also wish I could make a Wishlist. I think girls have more freedom than they did at least a decade ago and it would not have been possible for them to ask all these questions to their partners, because back then the norm was, study, get married, have kids and raise a family. I am so glad that the world is changing and more and more women are leading an independent life as well. Posts like this make me feel so good.ReplyDelete