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Marriage and Freedom. Post 7

The end of freedom Pictures, Images and Photos

Sometime back, there was a really heated discussion going on about whether marriage is an over-rated Institution. The entire debate was in trigger to this post which appeared in womens web. IHM took it up in this very interesting post. Shail blogged about it here.  Ritu stated her views here.Ruchira wrote a very thought provoking post here.

Initially, I wanted to write a post about it as well. But when I think about it, I do agree with most of what was expressed in Womens web and almost everything  that Shail said. Yes, Marriage is indeed an over rated institution . (And who wants to be in an institution really?! :-) )

Personally, I have been extremely fortunate to be married to a great guy. We have been happily married for 16 years now and the fact is, I am still in love with him.(touch wood). He means the world to me. We still call each other and text each other, we tease each other, have discussions and I know I can depend on him, no matter what. I indeed feel blessed to be married to him.

But, not everyone is so fortunate. When I look around me, most people who have been married more than five years or so, feel stuck . But they ‘adjust’ and ‘compromise’ and carry on. (Not just the women, the guys too). Sometimes the issues in a marriage are not ‘big enough’ for a divorce. But they are a real  irritation, nevertheless. (and please do not say—everything can be resolved by talking. If so I would ask you to be honest and tell me how many years you have been married and how many issues you have ‘resolved’ by talking :-) ) Mostly couples ‘adjust’ because there are kids involved, societal pressure involved, ageing parents involved. Some might argue that marriage itself means ‘adjustment’ and 'compromise.' They might argue that one needs companionship in old age. Is marriage the only way to have such a companionship? I definitely do not think so. (What if your spouse dies?)

Let us take another aspect of marriage. Does marriage mean loss of freedom?

Most definitely  YES. One has to accept that marriage certainly comes with boundaries and terms and conditions.(Often in invisible fine print).

A friend I was speaking to, who is very creative and who used to be so passionate about his hobby, shook his head sadly and said “After marriage, everything changed. I had to change so much as a person.”
“But why?! That is so sad. How can you give it up?” I asked, not understanding.
“Arre—she does not like it and I do not want any jhanjhat,” he said.

Many people I know, accommodate their spouses demands (whether reasonable or not) for the sake of peace in the house. Imagine a guy or a woman coming home after a hard day’s work and the spouse goes on and on about an issue. Most people would just quietly do whatever the demand is, rather than fighting it out. They do not want to rock the boat.

Now, some people do not mind this loss of freedom. They see it as ‘an adjustment and a compromise’ essential for survival of marriage. Some people resent it a lot and a myriad other issues that crop up when two people are living together and ultimately it leads to the breakdown of marriage.

Whether you think marriage is an over-rated institution or not, all boils down to how important your individual freedom is to you and what you really expect out of a marriage and how much you are willing to 'compromise and adjust'.

Many couples share their email accounts and their passwords too. The spouse is ‘not allowed’ to have friends of the opposite sex. If a friend is of the opposite sex, then they cannot call you, text you, mail you, unless the spouse also reads it. Now to some, it may not sound like a ‘big deal’. (What is there , after all we are married and we love each other.)

But to others, like me, it sounds like a death sentence. 

In my case (fortunately), there is complete trust and we do not share our passwords and nor do we read each other’s texts. My husband does have his own set of friends (both men and women) as do I. We also have our common set of friends. I most definitely believe that is healthy and essential too. But my husband still remains the guy whose arms I would wrap myself in, when the rest of the world does not understand. (yeah, I do completely adore him and am a sucker for romance and such mushy sentimental 'crap' :-) )

But coming back to track, Marriage, to me, certainly does not mean losing one’s individuality. You still are the person you were, before you got married. If I had to completely change myself, just to keep my spouse happy, I doubt if my marriage would have lasted this long.

But having said that, I must also say this-- If you are happy sharing passwords, reading each other’s texts and being joined at the hip, who am I to object?! 

To each their own. Whatever works for you!
If you're happy ,may it stay that way. If not, maybe it is time to think.

Comments

  1. hurray!!! me the first :) :)

    Well Preeti...This was such a thought provoking post. I so liked the way you drive deep into the note of the topic. Yes... when the guy and the girl are ready to open up for a talk, listen and then adjust...marriage is truly a bliss then!

    No partner can leave a happy life after a split...(i know they dont agree to what truth is) I am happy for your happy personal life.

    Let you be the same, together forever and forever.

    Rgds.

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  2. Hey Preeti,
    A nice post, and a nice topic to discuss Manu (my wife) when i am back home...

    We have been married for close to 3+ months... and yes we have not shared our email password, as we had a discussion on that as we appreciate each other space and respect it.

    Down the line, I would also love to look back all the glorious years of our marriage.

    Meanwhile on Tue i saw you starting your Blogathon, so i said let me also join the wagon, i am on my Day 3 of it
    http://anish-nair.blogspot.com/search/label/Blogathon

    Cheers,
    Anish

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  3. very thought provoking Preeti!!!!

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  4. It all boils down to how you make it work for you. And personally, I feel, that just like marriage, it applies to everything in life.

    If you work so hard to study, get good grades, get the best job out there, buy the best car, best clothes, etc etc - why don't you spend that much time finding the best compatible spouse for yourself? {A lot of my friends didn't}. Now say you did your best (like me) but still find issues - then work on your relationship. Just like you would work on other things. I had to work on making my hubby understand many many things - and our marriage is working coz both him and I are reforming ourselves as we go along, without having to compromise or sacrifice much. We still maintain our identities and are able to be happy with each other.

    Personal email and bank account are a must.

    Friends of opposite sex are a must.

    Complete trust in your partner is a must.

    Along with men and inlaws, I think the female population also needs to buckle up and work for their own betterment.

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  5. Brilliant post Preeti. Great incisiveness coupled with lots of sensitivity. For me this ranks right alongside the best posts you have ever written.

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  6. Individuality is ego. Grow beyond self-indulgence. The purpose of human life is to shed the ego and realize the universal, the timeless, the common substratum of all life and all living beings.

    Confession: I am looking to get married :)

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  7. I've always felt at the end of the day, it really depends on how you were brought up. If you have seen a very happy and secure relationship between your parents, if you have been brought up to respect others, I think it is half way to an equitable relationship.

    As for freedom, more than marriage it is when you have kids, but again it is how you see it. I know I can't just pack and go somehwere on a whim anymore, at least when schools are open ;-)

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  8. Brilliantly written post Preeti! Very balanced point of view. I had happened to read most of the heated debate going on earlier (as you know) and to be honest had found the other blogger's views slightly on the extreme side. But your post took a very 360 degree view of the whole issue.
    Loved your saying "sucker for romance and such mushy sentimental 'crap'" :)

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  9. Very thought-provoking post Preeti....and agree with u too. I also think Wanderlust has a point esp the 1st para.
    Well personally speaking the husband & I wdn't dream of asking for eachothers password tho I wd love to know wht his is without sharing mine;-D

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  10. Nice post about marriage.
    @ Title of post: if both things (Marriage and Freedom) are present in correct amount between two different people, they will always be happy without any adjustments...
    If any of these thing is missing then either of two person have to adjust or they will be unhappy...
    Overdone of any of these results in too much issues and fights...
    And lacking of both will like no relation between them they are just spending time together without living...

    It's important to Live Life together not just spending time...

    ReplyDelete
  11. You have exactly reflected my thoughts here and I couldn't write this post on request from a friend who is going through exactly this. I mean if you are to give up who you are then what is the point in being with someone for the rest of your life. I agree and understand that there is a bit of compromise involved and you might have to change certain aspects of life. But is giving up your life and the essence of who you are just to keep one person happy really worth it?
    "If a friend is of the opposite sex, then they cannot call you, text you, mail you, unless the spouse also reads it." - Unfortunately I am the friend of opposite sex and I more or less had to give up such a wonderful friend just so he can have(at least try to have) peace at his home. Now this makes me think that marriage is really an overrated "institution" if you don't find the right person.

    I am really happy for you to have found the right person and I wish you both an eternity of romance, happiness and lots and lots of love and peace and of course kala tikka :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. This post is a post which is close to my heart. It is an issue which I feel about very strongly.

    So a big thank you to all who responded, left comments and did not just read and walk away.

    When I started writing individual replies, I realised that I had SO MUCH to say for each comment. So what I decided is that I will write my replies (along with what each of you said, linking you of course) in a new post.

    Thanks guys!

    Love
    Preeti

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  13. wow preeti...this is a post that requires contemplation and reasoning; discussions can go on and on, and yet, theres no one-point verdict. Each individual gets to find his(/her) own out!!
    Generally, marriage is categorised as a 7-yr itch, 10-yr itch and so on...and those who sail over it are indeed lucky.
    When two individuals get together, theres bound to be differences coz naturally, no two people are the same and so almost all of us in this 'institution' have to acquire a 'give-and-take' attitude or 'compromise','adjust' whatever the word is, which is, sometimes big, sometimes small...
    In our Indian community, women still 'put up' and decide to 'tolerate' rather than go for filing a divorce, (esp. for the sake of their kids, the parents or at times, may be with the hope that things would work out for the better in future).
    Marriage is a gamble for both the man and the woman; you strike the right chords and you are lucky...otherwise it is just a bad 'incident' that you could as well do without.
    I know of so many ladies who have lost track of their near and dear friends (even of the same sex) because their marriage does not give way to it, or her in-laws dont like her partying around.
    Mine, thank God, is more or less like yours..its almost 10 years now and we live together as friends, sharing and trusting..:)
    Am happy for you two...nazar na lag jaye!!:)))

    ReplyDelete
  14. Great post :-) !! m really happy dat u r happily married. But ya, many others r not so fortunate. I believe people should marry only wen they r 100% sure that they want to, not bcoz of stupid reasons lik parental pressure, insecurity, advancing age etc (But sadly thats they way things normally happen in the great Indian society)

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  15. A wonderful, thought-provoking read! I wrote for a magazine on the same topic a few days ago(will send you the link when it gets published).

    Seen so many couples becoming incredibly sober after their marriages. A relationship that doesn't value each other's interests may only go so far without the other not resenting it eventually.

    Also the way how some people 'sacrifice' for the sake of their children or social status is just annoying. In my opinion, that underlying bitterness is sure to have a bad effect on the kids.

    Glad that you have such a wonderful husband. You two make a great pair :-)

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  16. Read this discussion online on various different blogs and though the thoughts kind of oscillated from a moderate to an extremist, it does strike a chord. Some points are really pertinent as you pointed it out in your post..

    //Many couples share their email accounts and their passwords too. The spouse is ‘not allowed’ to have friends of the opposite sex. If a friend is of the opposite sex, then they cannot call you, text you, mail you, unless the spouse also reads it.// Giving the requisite space to each other to grow is very important...

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  17. Agree with everything you have written.

    A lot of people do think love means sharing everything and wanting to spent every moment together - I feel our movies and Mills and Boon romances might be responsible for this.

    A lot of people see it as seriously wrong that a couple could wish to enjoy with their own friends - without the spouse. And the same people might sometimes say marriage is sacrifice, like giving up a chance to grow and evolve, or to give up a passion for the one you love.

    But like you said, if it makes them happy, it's fine.

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  18. Apologies for
    a) a comment after very very long
    b) a comment on an old post
    c) comment going in tangent to topic

    I'd like to comment on sharing passwords.
    For me its like insurance. So that tomorrow if anything happens to me, atleast someone can take control of my online life and give it a proper end rather than leave it dangling. Same reasons of doing a life insurance.

    ReplyDelete

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