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Marriage and freedom--discussion continues. Post 9


When I read the comments on  the post  'Marriage and Freedom', I realised that I had quite a bit to say for each of the comments. Also, most of the comments themselves were thought provoking. The post was a post which was close to my heart, as I do feel deeply about the issue iof freedom in a marriage.
 
Hence, I am sharing the comments (I have edited out the bits not relevant.)Thanks to all who cared enough to leave a comment .It meant a lot. My own reply is in green after each  comment.
 
 
Gopikaa Ramanan said...
Well Preeti...This was such a thought provoking post. I so liked the way you drive deep into the note of the topic. Yes... when the guy and the girl are ready to open up for a talk, listen and then adjust...marriage is truly a bliss then! No partner can leave a happy life after a split...(i know they dont agree to what truth is) I am happy for your happy personal life. Let you be the same, together forever and forever.  Gopika  
Well Gopika, Thank you so much for the wishes.Amen :-) I really do not know if guy and and girl 'opening up for a talk', 'listening' and then 'adjusting' will make the marriage a bliss.Take an issue like spending x amount of money on a holiday versus saving it up for a different thing. Here each of the parties are influenced by their deep beliefs. One partner might feel that travelling is a  completw waste of time and to another it might be really essential. How much do you think one can 'convince' the other, without a slight amount of resentment creeping in? This is just a small issue I 
gave an example of. A marriage involves scores of such issues. Also about a split, there are many who are happily divorced.
Blogger Anish said...
Hey Preeti, A nice post, and a nice topic to discuss Manu (my wife) when i am back home... We have been married for close to 3+ months... and yes we have not shared our email password, as we had a discussion on that as we appreciate each other space and respect it. Down the line, I would also love to look back all the glorious years of our marriage. Meanwhile on Tue i saw you starting your Blogathon, so i said let me also join the wagon, i am on my Day 3 of i.
Hey Anish,
Good luck with your blogathon and all the very best to you for a long and happy married life. It is good that you're both in sync.Sometimes, one spouse does not want to share passwords but the other wants to read every message of their partner. This is where the friction can crop in.
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Blogger EVE-O-LUTION said...
very thought provoking Preeti!!!!
Do share your thoughts Eve-O-lution!! All of us here would love to hear.
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Blogger Shachi said...
It all boils down to how you make it work for you. And personally, I feel, that just like marriage, it applies to everything in life. If you work so hard to study, get good grades, get the best job out there, buy the best car, best clothes, etc etc - why don't you spend that much time finding the best compatible spouse for yourself? {A lot of my friends didn't}. Now say you did your best (like me) but still find issues - then work on your relationship. Just like you would work on other things. I had to work on making my hubby understand many many things - and our marriage is working coz both him and I are reforming ourselves as we go along, without having to compromise or sacrifice much. We still maintain our identities and are able to be happy with each other. Personal email and bank account are a must. Friends of opposite sex are a must. Complete trust in your partner is a must. Along with men and inlaws, I think the female population also needs to buckle up and work for their own betterment.
Well said Shachi!Even for me, my personal space is a must, as much as I love my husband. I need my friends, my time with them and it is indeed important to me.But there are many who do not mind giving up their friendships after marriage, if the spouse does not 'approve'. I am really glad you're able to make your relationship work. (and reforming oneself also means one is changing which may not necessarily be a bad thing) Best wishes for a long and happy married life!
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Blogger Ramesh said...
Brilliant post Preeti. Great incisiveness coupled with lots of sensitivity. For me this ranks right alongside the best posts you have ever written.
Thanks a lot Ramesh. Coming from you, it is indeed an honour.
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Blogger Inferno said...
Individuality is ego. Grow beyond self-indulgence. The purpose of human life is to shed the ego and realize the universal, the timeless, the common substratum of all life and all living beings. Confession: I am looking to get married :)
Individuality need not necessarily  ego.To give up ego completely one has to be a saint. I prefer being a sinner ;-) Good luck in your quest for the right life partner.
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Blogger wanderlust said...
I've always felt at the end of the day, it really depends on how you were brought up. If you have seen a very happy and secure relationship between your parents, if you have been brought up to respect others, I think it is half way to an equitable relationship. As for freedom, more than marriage it is when you have kids, but again it is how you see it. I know I can't just pack and go somehwere on a whim anymore, at least when schools are open ;-)  
Wanderlust, I must completely disagree here. Does it mean that if you cannot get along with your spouse, you were badly brought up? I surely do not think so! Respect is one thing and love is another. I might respect someone a great deal but I may not love them and I  might hate to live with them for even a single day.
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Blogger Ajay said...
Brilliantly written post Preeti! Very balanced point of view. I had happened to read most of the heated debate going on earlier (as you know) and to be honest had found the other blogger's views slightly on the extreme side. But your post took a very 360 degree view of the whole issue. Loved your saying "sucker for romance and such mushy sentimental 'crap'" :)
Thank you so much Ajay. :-) There is a huge brigade out there which truly does not believe in 'romance and sentimental 'crap' . ' Me--I go the whole hog if I truly love someone :-)
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Blogger Reflections said...
Very thought-provoking post Preeti....and agree with u too. I also think Wanderlust has a point esp the 1st para. Well personally speaking the husband & I wdn't dream of asking for eachothers password tho I wd love to know wht his is without sharing mine;-D
Thank you so much Reflections. That was  a cheeky wish :-) (to know his password without revealing yours) Personally I feel, it is so essential to have separate accounts and passwords. I do not agree with Wanderlust. See my reply above.
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Blogger Piyush jangid said...
Nice post about marriage. @ Title of post: if both things (Marriage and Freedom) are present in correct amount between two different people, they will always be happy without any adjustments... If any of these thing is missing then either of two person have to adjust or they will be unhappy... Overdone of any of these results in too much issues and fights... And lacking of both will like no relation between them they are just spending time together without living... It's important to Live Life together not just spending time...
I agree completely about living life together and not just 'spending time;
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Blogger Anusha said...
You have exactly reflected my thoughts here and I couldn't write this post on request from a friend who is going through exactly this. I mean if you are to give up who you are then what is the point in being with someone for the rest of your life. I agree and understand that there is a bit of compromise involved and you might have to change certain aspects of life. But is giving up your life and the essence of who you are just to keep one person happy really worth it? "If a friend is of the opposite sex, then they cannot call you, text you, mail you, unless the spouse also reads it." - Unfortunately I am the friend of opposite sex and I more or less had to give up such a wonderful friend just so he can have(at least try to have) peace at his home. Now this makes me think that marriage is really an overrated "institution" if you don't find the right person. I am really happy for you to have found the right person and I wish you both an eternity of romance, happiness and lots and lots of love and peace and of course kala tikka :)
Anusha.
Thanks for the wishes!Much appreciate. I read your comment and thought about it. The thing is how important is it for your friend to keep up the friendship with you? If it is truly important, then he would try to convince his wife. He would at least try to reason it out. If he prefers 'toeing the line' and playing safe so that there is 'peace', and if he does not make any effort to sustain the friendship , then I think he truly deserves what he gets.I agree with you that it is really not worth it to change oneself completely to suit another person.
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Blogger 
Blogger SK said...
wow preeti...this is a post that requires contemplation and reasoning; discussions can go on and on, and yet, theres no one-point verdict. Each individual gets to find his(/her) own out!! Generally, marriage is categorised as a 7-yr itch, 10-yr itch and so on...and those who sail over it are indeed lucky. When two individuals get together, theres bound to be differences coz naturally, no two people are the same and so almost all of us in this 'institution' have to acquire a 'give-and-take' attitude or 'compromise','adjust' whatever the word is, which is, sometimes big, sometimes small... In our Indian community, women still 'put up' and decide to 'tolerate' rather than go for filing a divorce, (esp. for the sake of their kids, the parents or at times, may be with the hope that things would work out for the better in future). Marriage is a gamble for both the man and the woman; you strike the right chords and you are lucky...otherwise it is just a bad 'incident' that you could as well do without. I know of so many ladies who have lost track of their near and dear friends (even of the same sex) because their marriage does not give way to it, or her in-laws dont like her partying around. Mine, thank God, is more or less like yours..its almost 10 years now and we live together as friends, sharing and trusting..:) Am happy for you two...nazar na lag jaye!!:)))   Thank you SK and touchwood for your relationship too. I agree with you completely that marriage is indeed a gamble (whether it is a love marriage or an arranged marriage. Fact is, novelty of the relationship wears off after 7-8 months. After that, starts the real work of preserving marriage. It gets tested so much when the kids arrive--don't you think so?  
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Blogger Kn said...
Great post :-) !! m really happy dat u r happily married. But ya, many others r not so fortunate. I believe people should marry only wen they r 100% sure that they want to, not bcoz of stupid reasons lik parental pressure, insecurity, advancing age etc (But sadly thats they way things normally happen in the great Indian society)
I completely agree with you that people should marry for right reasons. Sadly that is not what it is in majority of cases. For most in their twenties, it is indeed  huge pressure from parents to get married.Parents should just let the children decide when they are ready for marriage.
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Blogger Nandana S Nallapu said...
A wonderful, thought-provoking read! I wrote for a magazine on the same topic a few days ago(will send you the link when it gets published). Seen so many couples becoming incredibly sober after their marriages. A relationship that doesn't value each other's interests may only go so far without the other not resenting it eventually. Also the way how some people 'sacrifice' for the sake of their children or social status is just annoying. In my opinion, that underlying bitterness is sure to have a bad effect on the kids. Glad that you have such a wonderful husband. You two make a great pair :-)
Thank you Nandana! I did not know that you write for magazines. Do send me link. Yes, I too have seen couples becoming very boring people and a mere shadow of their old self, after marriage. You are very right about children detecting resentment too and it having a bad effect on them.
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Comments

  1. I have actually been waiting for this post refreshing my dashboard every now and then :). I agree with what you say. It is up to people to make their own choices in life (worthy choices that is). It is just that because of a dominance/insecurity/possessiveness clash between the spouses it is their friends who end up getting the brunt of it without even asking for it and end up losing a beautiful relationship. Having said that I also agree if someone cannot stand up to salvage their friendship they probably deserve what they are going through. I just feel violated at times without my asking for it in such relationships. Maybe they are not worth it. Sorry for this rant, since I couldn't stop myself as this topic has hit home. :) :(

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  2. I have no idea why my reply to Gopika's comment is not showing here (even though it is showing in my drafts).Hence copy pasting.

    Well Gopika, Thank you so much for the wishes.Amen :-) I really do not know if guy and and girl 'opening up for a talk', 'listening' and then 'adjusting' will make the marriage a bliss.Take an issue like spending x amount of money on a holiday versus saving it up for a different thing. Here each of the parties are influenced by their deep beliefs. One partner might feel that travelling is a complete waste of time and to another it might be really essential. How much do you think one can 'convince' the other, without a slight amount of resentment creeping in? This is just a small issue I

    gave an example of. A marriage involves scores of such issues. Also about a split, there are many who are happily divorced.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anusha: I have lost many male friends for the same reason. The wife resents the husband talking to me. There is so much insecurity/jealousy/possesiveness. I do feel hurt about losing a friendship. But fact is, if the man cared enough, he OUGHT to do something. Else I would think that he was 'just having a good time' until the wife came along. 'Having a good time' means having fun with a friend, enjoying the friendship, laughing, talking etc. Perhaps for him, this need now no longer exists. Hence he 'ditches friendship' or 'trades friendship' for peace with his wife.Spineless guys Anusha, if you ask me (sorry to be so darn honest). It is hard to accept and let go, especially if one has been hurt in the process. I know. But it is also true that it is mostly the person who cares more, ends up getting more hurt. One has to move on and hopefully choose the next friend wisely.

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  4. Preeti: Read your post and the original one as well. While the original one seemed very women-centric, your post was indeed neutral taking in view of both the sex'. Must admit- ain't easy to think so,write so. Most woman always feel we are the ones who sacrifice and so is with men.

    As much as I liked the entire post and invited myself for a re-read, catcy for me were:

    'Big enough' for a divorce
    Death sentence' - yeah indeed!
    If not,maybe it is time to think - Very much!
    'Trades Friendship' - so truly said.

    What surprises is divorce at the age of 70! After having lived for so many years together- I could never understand why one would seek divorce at that age?

    You indeed keep up the honesty in your posts, just like your beginning days.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I actually posted a lengthy comment about a personal experience yesterday but Blogger had to reload at that time and the refreshed the comment, silly thing. I lost many friends to this so-called marriage, because the wifey dear was so insecure and the friend usually didn't have the balls to make her understand. Its such a sad thing to lose friendship but even more sad to see what the guys have become! I dunno how long they can live this way playing to the tunes of their possessive wives. On a different note, I also lost a couple of male friends because I was too involved in my relationship and its my fault :(

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  6. I read your earlier post as well but couldn’t comment. I cldnt agree more with your view. Finding a spouse you who really truly loves you and understands you is the best thing that can happen !  (yeah I am the mushy types too !) And I personally feel that marriage – just like every other relationship needs to be worked upon and both sides need to adjust, accommodate and spent time understanding each other – Infact these things help a lot in making a marriage a success! The only thing I feel strongly about is that marriage should be for the right reasons – get married because you want to and not because you are simply expected to! Nobody minds adjusting a bit if you are in a relationship that you choose yourself. But in a forced relationship even accommodating a little bit seems like torture :)

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  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hi Preeti,
    After reading both your posts on Marriage and Freedom, I had to write one too. I have linked back to your posts and have also used an excerpt from your post. I hope you don't mind the mention. And thanks for making me come to terms with my thoughts.

    Regards,
    Anusha

    ReplyDelete

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