Possesive much? (Post 10)

A splendid book that I  read, called The Tamil Story, a collection of  88  Tamil short stories  from the last hundred years, translated into idiomatic English, showcases the society, the human emotions and the rich literature of the language, in a wonderful way. While the societal beliefs, norms, customs and traditions have evolved and changed over the years, what remains constant , never changing, ever-present are the human emotions.

A story I found particularly interesting, written in 1920 is by Subramania Bharathi, the well-known poet, freedom fighter, activist, writer ,journalist and social reformer from Tamilnadu. The story titled Railway Station, talks about a young Muslim man, in a dilemma as he was forced to marry three sisters, who were now fighting among themselves for his affection. The young man says that life is a living hell because of them. If he buys a silk blouse for one of his wives, the other one tears up hers, demanding the same. If he buys a jewel for one of them, the same story repeats. Each of them cannot stand it when he speaks to others. The young man finally concludes that the only solution would be to divorce two of the women and ‘set them free’. After the story was published in the newspaper, one of the readers wrote to Bharathi, saying that it was not a norm among Muslims to get married to sisters. Bharathi immediately apologised stating that all he was trying to do by writing the story, was propagate progressive ideas.

The sisters in the fictitious tale grapple a real problem---possessiveness in a relationship. When we enter into a deep relationship with someone, we want all of his or her time, attention and affection. The thought of someone else taking what we perceive to be ‘rightfully ours’ becomes an unbearable thing that haunts you, stealing your peace.‘What if my partner finds that other person more attractive and interesting than me, and hence discards me?’ or ‘Why can’t my partner be happy with me? Why does he/she need that other person at all?’ are questions which the possessive partner grapples with. It stems from a feeling of inadequacy.

The above is an extract from a newspaper column I wrote a few months back.

What do you think you can do to solve this problem of possesiveness? Do you think it is okay? How much of it would you be willing to tolerate? Do you find a possesive partner 'cute' or do you hate it? Are you okay if your spouse talks every day for an hour  or more to a person of the opposite sex? 

Tell me your thoughts in my comment box.


  1. It is intriguing to see how the same set of human emotions surface in every corner of the world and in all ages, given so much variation in cultures and changing societal norms. They are deep rooted in DNA I suppose!

    For me, it is hard to live with a possessive partner. And I give the same freedom to my partner. But if my partner spends way too much time on one thing, whether it be talking to opposite sex or same sex, watching a TV program, playing a sport, browsing internet etc while often compromising the time spent with me, I think that's not cool too :). My partner can have all the personal space he needs, as long as I am not taken for granted.

    I would love to know your personal take on this though :). Would you be ok?

  2. Possessivness..... the quality show in early stage in the childhood.
    When a childhren fight with thier sibling for only mother love.
    Yes elder children felt unsafe in arriving new menber(child) in the home.
    On that time mother told one thingis that


    Next moment elder children takes responsibility of her younger sibiling.

    So why we elders dont apply inpresent life?
    Everbody needs SPACE in thier life.
    Even i also need alone soace for clearing my views on all as well as get my inner peace away from all.

    The posssiveness is good in LIMIT but it becomes Bad element in destroy relationships when this quality is HIGH.

    Yes.... i also saw peoples do anger, fight even beat also in this quality (high)

    It is one noce solution is that

    If person cannot change the possiviness attitude then thus leaves them even broke relationship with them
    If u don't it will KILL u in slowly way and snatches ur HAPPINESS and other relationship also

  3. I think everyone is, to a certain extent, possessive about their spouse. I don't think anyone would be happy if their spouse shows some special interest in someone of the opposite gender.
    It is definitely not OK for the spouse to talk to someone of the opposite gender for more than an hour on a daily basis. If that is the case, there is something fishy going on...
    Of course, freedom should be given to the spouse. There should be trust and honesty in a relationship. But, what if one of them takes advantages of the freedom given and has an affair with another lady?
    No offense, I see quite a few extramarital affairs happening in the society without the knowledge of the spouse.
    Not easy to discuss this as there are so many outcomes!

  4. Relationships are built on trust and a degree of freedom and space is expected by both the partners. Be protective than possessive! Protective behaviour is a sign of caring.. When you are protective you are worried about other person being hurt.

    Being open and honest about things that bother you, your partner is more likely to hear you out. Once everything is out in the open, you can start working through it-together!

  5. Friends any other publishing new story books pls send specimens for had copy to me.

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  8. Over possessiveness takes any relationship to an unnatural death. Relationships should be such that they allow us to grow together. When it limits our growth at any level, it is not worth it. Been there, done that, felt the pain of facing innumerable, unrealistic intriguing by a spouse and the emotional and physical toll it takes is insurmountable. My personal belief is to break free from such a relationship.

  9. Too good Preeti Mam.

    Possessiveness is a tendency. Tendency that is deep seated in any individual. Looks like it cannot get over but be controlled. For the sake of happiness and healthiness of a relationship, one should hold on his possessiveness to a certain extend. If your partner talks to a opposite sex, not necessarily, he's flirting or passing time. You can't be with your partner every time, so whoever is around- male/female, one will of course tend to talk, which may lead to affection, obviously.

    We may let our partners live their space, hoping the partner never misuse the chance.

  10. Possessiveness is in everyone's nature, from childhood we are possessive towards our things and towards the people connected with, if we get right guidance at right time then it would decreased but not over from our nature, we would always get little possessive towards what we love, it could be thing or person. If people build trust and love towards each other then with whomsoever u talk for hour or 2 they wont be possessive.
    Everybody has talk to same or different sex for hours for their work so if the person comes home tired and rather asking how your work went, they ask for how many hours you talk to the opposite sex then it will over your relationshp because everybody wants the affection.
    If u communicate properly and build the trust and love in your relation it would be great. Little possessiveness is cute but more would create problems in your life.

  11. Hi .... I have written my view on possessiveness here : http://dosalover.blogspot.in/2014/11/possessiveness.html

  12. The P word can be a danger to any relationship. Both partners should be careful and ensure that if they are too possessiveness, the other may not like it and break off the relationship. There should be lots of trust and understanding. In every marriage, I am sure each spouse may have someone of the opposite sex as their friend, who they might share their problems with. One should not feel as if they are being neglected and start acting possessive. If you have a problem with it, you should talk to your partner and sort out the issue before things get worse. Being a little possessive is okay but one should know where to draw the line.


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