Skip to main content

Possesive much? (Post 10)






A splendid book that I  read, called The Tamil Story, a collection of  88  Tamil short stories  from the last hundred years, translated into idiomatic English, showcases the society, the human emotions and the rich literature of the language, in a wonderful way. While the societal beliefs, norms, customs and traditions have evolved and changed over the years, what remains constant , never changing, ever-present are the human emotions.

A story I found particularly interesting, written in 1920 is by Subramania Bharathi, the well-known poet, freedom fighter, activist, writer ,journalist and social reformer from Tamilnadu. The story titled Railway Station, talks about a young Muslim man, in a dilemma as he was forced to marry three sisters, who were now fighting among themselves for his affection. The young man says that life is a living hell because of them. If he buys a silk blouse for one of his wives, the other one tears up hers, demanding the same. If he buys a jewel for one of them, the same story repeats. Each of them cannot stand it when he speaks to others. The young man finally concludes that the only solution would be to divorce two of the women and ‘set them free’. After the story was published in the newspaper, one of the readers wrote to Bharathi, saying that it was not a norm among Muslims to get married to sisters. Bharathi immediately apologised stating that all he was trying to do by writing the story, was propagate progressive ideas.

The sisters in the fictitious tale grapple a real problem---possessiveness in a relationship. When we enter into a deep relationship with someone, we want all of his or her time, attention and affection. The thought of someone else taking what we perceive to be ‘rightfully ours’ becomes an unbearable thing that haunts you, stealing your peace.‘What if my partner finds that other person more attractive and interesting than me, and hence discards me?’ or ‘Why can’t my partner be happy with me? Why does he/she need that other person at all?’ are questions which the possessive partner grapples with. It stems from a feeling of inadequacy.


The above is an extract from a newspaper column I wrote a few months back.

What do you think you can do to solve this problem of possesiveness? Do you think it is okay? How much of it would you be willing to tolerate? Do you find a possesive partner 'cute' or do you hate it? Are you okay if your spouse talks every day for an hour  or more to a person of the opposite sex? 

Tell me your thoughts in my comment box.


Comments

  1. It is intriguing to see how the same set of human emotions surface in every corner of the world and in all ages, given so much variation in cultures and changing societal norms. They are deep rooted in DNA I suppose!

    For me, it is hard to live with a possessive partner. And I give the same freedom to my partner. But if my partner spends way too much time on one thing, whether it be talking to opposite sex or same sex, watching a TV program, playing a sport, browsing internet etc while often compromising the time spent with me, I think that's not cool too :). My partner can have all the personal space he needs, as long as I am not taken for granted.

    I would love to know your personal take on this though :). Would you be ok?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Possessivness..... the quality show in early stage in the childhood.
    When a childhren fight with thier sibling for only mother love.
    Yes elder children felt unsafe in arriving new menber(child) in the home.
    On that time mother told one thingis that

    WHY U R THINKING THAT U DONTGET LOVE FROM ME? THUS WELCOME YOUR NEW BROTHER/SISTER. THEY WILL HELP U EVEN RESPECT AND LOVE U.
    BETA I ALAWYS LOVE U .

    Next moment elder children takes responsibility of her younger sibiling.

    So why we elders dont apply inpresent life?
    Everbody needs SPACE in thier life.
    Even i also need alone soace for clearing my views on all as well as get my inner peace away from all.

    The posssiveness is good in LIMIT but it becomes Bad element in destroy relationships when this quality is HIGH.

    Yes.... i also saw peoples do anger, fight even beat also in this quality (high)

    It is one noce solution is that
    CLEAR ALL THING ....REALIZE THAT THEY ARE IN SAME PLACE OF UR HEART.

    If person cannot change the possiviness attitude then thus leaves them even broke relationship with them
    If u don't it will KILL u in slowly way and snatches ur HAPPINESS and other relationship also

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think everyone is, to a certain extent, possessive about their spouse. I don't think anyone would be happy if their spouse shows some special interest in someone of the opposite gender.
    It is definitely not OK for the spouse to talk to someone of the opposite gender for more than an hour on a daily basis. If that is the case, there is something fishy going on...
    Of course, freedom should be given to the spouse. There should be trust and honesty in a relationship. But, what if one of them takes advantages of the freedom given and has an affair with another lady?
    No offense, I see quite a few extramarital affairs happening in the society without the knowledge of the spouse.
    Not easy to discuss this as there are so many outcomes!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Relationships are built on trust and a degree of freedom and space is expected by both the partners. Be protective than possessive! Protective behaviour is a sign of caring.. When you are protective you are worried about other person being hurt.

    Being open and honest about things that bother you, your partner is more likely to hear you out. Once everything is out in the open, you can start working through it-together!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Friends any other publishing new story books pls send specimens for had copy to me.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Over possessiveness takes any relationship to an unnatural death. Relationships should be such that they allow us to grow together. When it limits our growth at any level, it is not worth it. Been there, done that, felt the pain of facing innumerable, unrealistic intriguing by a spouse and the emotional and physical toll it takes is insurmountable. My personal belief is to break free from such a relationship.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Too good Preeti Mam.

    Possessiveness is a tendency. Tendency that is deep seated in any individual. Looks like it cannot get over but be controlled. For the sake of happiness and healthiness of a relationship, one should hold on his possessiveness to a certain extend. If your partner talks to a opposite sex, not necessarily, he's flirting or passing time. You can't be with your partner every time, so whoever is around- male/female, one will of course tend to talk, which may lead to affection, obviously.

    We may let our partners live their space, hoping the partner never misuse the chance.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Possessiveness is in everyone's nature, from childhood we are possessive towards our things and towards the people connected with, if we get right guidance at right time then it would decreased but not over from our nature, we would always get little possessive towards what we love, it could be thing or person. If people build trust and love towards each other then with whomsoever u talk for hour or 2 they wont be possessive.
    Everybody has talk to same or different sex for hours for their work so if the person comes home tired and rather asking how your work went, they ask for how many hours you talk to the opposite sex then it will over your relationshp because everybody wants the affection.
    If u communicate properly and build the trust and love in your relation it would be great. Little possessiveness is cute but more would create problems in your life.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hi .... I have written my view on possessiveness here : http://dosalover.blogspot.in/2014/11/possessiveness.html

    ReplyDelete
  12. The P word can be a danger to any relationship. Both partners should be careful and ensure that if they are too possessiveness, the other may not like it and break off the relationship. There should be lots of trust and understanding. In every marriage, I am sure each spouse may have someone of the opposite sex as their friend, who they might share their problems with. One should not feel as if they are being neglected and start acting possessive. If you have a problem with it, you should talk to your partner and sort out the issue before things get worse. Being a little possessive is okay but one should know where to draw the line.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Thanks for stopping by. I really appreciate your leaving a comment! Okay--I appreciate your leaving a comment if you have something nice to say ;-)


Popular posts from this blog

Why you are making a mistake if you don't speak up about #MeToo

The last few days have been tumultuous for everyone in urban India. If you are a working professional, or have worked at some point in your life, or if you strongly believe in gender equality,  it is hard to not get affected by the #Metoo movement. The #Metoo movement has taken off in India, like the  metaphorical snowball. I too, like many of you,  have been following closely, in shocked silence, as it has been unfolding. I can't tell you how happy I am that women in India, are standing up in solidarity, taking back their dignity.

Several  powerful men have been named.The stories have come POURING out.
I shall not go into details of the men named or the incidents here, as it is all over the media.

When something happens in your field of interest, it is natural that it affects you more than the incidents that happen in other fields. For me, what has been particularly disturbing was that the names from the field of literature that were coming out as well.

Earlier, in press in…

Re-store : A delightful little shop in Whitefield, Bangalore.

All of us are guilty, at least to some extent  of hoarding stuff. We hold on to old things--be it clothes, books, utensils, footwear, knick-knacks or some such, that form the minutiae of our daily lives. Many a time these add to the the clutter too. Rare is the home which looks like the above pic.


I am a huge fan of Marie Kondo, and I highly recommend her book The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up  which is more than just a book.

It is an entire philosophy, and a new approach. I read the book back to back, and immediately put into use the methods described in the book. I must tell you how wonderful I felt! I never thought that I could be that organised.

Clearing clutter, and the stuff that you no longer have use for, does release 'blocked energy.' There is no scientific or rational explanation for this. I only know that it works for me. Any Feng Shui practitioner and  loads of Eastern Schools of belief will confirm this.

I always make it a point to give away things I no longe…

5 easy and useful tips to help you achieve your goals.

Dreams are goals with a deadline. If you can dream it, you can achieve it. I am a huge believer of these two statements.

Many a time, I have been asked this question
'How do you do so many things? How do you focus on your goals? How are you so dedicated?'

Many have written to me asking me to share my routine/ time-management/how I organise my day. So here goes:

Currently I am doing a challenge called Intkober where you do 31 drawings in Ink, in 31 days. The prompts are given in advance. Click on the link to know more. Thousands of artists all over the world do it, each year. I post my drawings on myInstagram art handle.

This is in addition to my writing which I do daily. I also make a portrait every single day, apart from Inktober.

I guess, to most people who see this, it looks like a LOT of things and they wonder how I manage it. Here are five  things I do, which help me. (and I hope they help you too)

1. Define the goals.

At the beginning of each month, I write down (in a dia…