Thursday, June 16, 2011

I only get jealous because I love you

JEALOUSY CUZ I LOVE U Pictures, Images and Photos

True love is always unconditional. There is no place for jealousy if it's true love. Especially if it is a relationship for life, like a marriage, where you have committed to each other.

A few weeks back I had written a post "Freedom and marriage' which was appreciated by many and the same sentiments were echoed by a majority of people who read it. One of the worst things that one can do to a spouse is restrict them from doing what brings them joy and then impose conditions on them, just because of your insecurities and jealousies. This in the name of 'protecting your marriage/love/relationship.' 

One of my friends, a mother of two who has been married for 17 years now, badly wants to go on a trip with her three women friends, without her husband and children. This friend had given up her career after her marriage and is a totally devoted wife and a full time mother.She is aways there for her husband and children and is one of the nicest, warmest individuals I know. But she knows her husband (who has a jealous streak) will never agree and so she 'compromises' and puts away this little dream in her box of unfulfilled wishes and carries on a 'happily married life'.

Another person I know had to give up his hobby of photography as his spouse did not like him getting involved too much with it. Really sad, as he loved it and was such a creative guy. A third I know, a totally gregarious, outgoing warm person who had tonnes of friends of both sexes, had to fight tooth and nail to be 'allowed' to have friends of the opposite sex, after she got married.

The words of  a blogger who goes by the name of Gounder Brownie  (loved her tagline--'reality TV without Shilpa') have to be truly FRAMED and displayed on walls of all people who are married or intending to get married. One of the points she makes is this:

 Don't forget that you and your spouse are individuals first. Don't be so self-involved as to believe that you are the whole world for the other person. Nobody is that interesting. Don't get jealous and possessive if s/he wants to spend time by himself/herself or with people other than you.


 And another point she makes is:

Marriage is a big event in your life, all right, but it isn't your life. Taking time off from stuff to adjust and adapt and all that is fine. But get back to your life at the end of it. Don't change your priorities overnight and so easily.

She has written a beautiful post after one year of marriage from which the above two points are quoted. To read her whole post click here.

Every couple who has been married at least for two years or more will know how true the above lines are as they truly know what all a marriage involves. Nothing prepares you for it. Things change so much once people start living together and once the children arrive, it is a totally different ball game altogether. Before I had children, I used to look disdainfully at people who brought babies to movie theatres where the baby bawled its head off. I still do not condone it but I am more tolerant now, as I am raising two children who are 13 and 10.

There are going to be times in a marriage where you need people other than your spouse.No two people can be an island unto themsleves.And if you have not invested  that time,  in cultivating relationships, it just might be too late. People might have moved on, without your realising and may not be there for you, simply because you were too busy to make time for them.

So kick out the jealousies and insecurities. Let your spouse do what brings them joy. Do not impose YOUR conditions on them. Let go, if you truly love them. Trust them. They might placate your demands today, but over the years, things you did today indeed have a way of catching up with you.

Which is why the words of Gounder Brownie ring so true, even after 16 years of  a succesful marirage (touchwood).

20 comments:

  1. Phoenixritu pointed me here. Now I feel like a prophet :D Thanks much!!

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  2. Absolutely loved this post and GB's post too.

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  3. GB: An honour to have the author of these words comment here! And I should thank you for saying it so well.

    IHM: Coming from a veteran and a marvellosu blogger as you, I take that as a HUGE compliment.Thank you so much!

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  4. Amazing article Priti.. Loved every word of it :)

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  5. Very factual & insightful article indeed!

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  6. This is so beautifully written :) I strongly believe that if u truly love someone, u should let them do what they want. "Space" is very important in relationships. But smtimes Iam unsure of where to draw the line. For eg: One of my female friends loved dancing and wanted to join salsa classes. But her boyfriend was not supporting cuz it involved dancing intimately with the opposite sex. Though I totally get my friend's passion for dancing, I couldn't blame the guy as well. A lot depends on how u have been brought up. I believe in giving space, am totally ok if my guy has a boy's night out or travel abroad with his friends. Infact, I even encourage it. But am not sure if I will be completely okay if he enrolls for salsa. I might not stop him, but I might not be completely ok either.

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  7. A very thoughtful post!!! you have put everything so beautifully....
    I am sure all married people especially women would go through such a state of mind atleast once in their life....
    You are right....true love doesnt impose conditions.....Trust is the basis for any relationship.....
    I have seen many people who change overnight just because they got engaged or married....
    ur post is a real eye opener!!!

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  8. Very nice post Preeti. I know I have changed after marriage, but then, true friendship will understand that ? I am sure, i can call up a friend and we will start chatting like we were never away:)

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  9. The #1 reason why my marriage works is because of the freedom we give each other....maybe too much sometimes ;).

    Jealousy is a negative thing, but sometimes due to lack of trust, even caring n possessiveness can be misunderstood as jealousy. There is a fine line between the two.

    Great post! Bang on!

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  10. Lovely post ..very apt

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  11. I totally agree with u. If both the spouse have their own friends esp school and college mates, meeting with them can be refreshing and you have something to tell your spouse about. That keeps the freshness in a marriage. Common friends are good , but no harm in having a few friends form your youth days and cultivating that relationship. I have connected with my college friends after more than 2 decades via Facebook and it is a lovely feeling.

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  12. Hi Preeti,

    This is a thought provoking post and I too believe in giving space and complete freedom to each other.
    However, shouldn't we know where to draw the line? What about an alcoholic husband? We cannot let a husband keep on drinking alcohol just because drinking makes him happy.

    This is a doubt that cropped up while reading your post. Can you please share your thoughts?

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  13. Absolutely wonderful post.
    every relationship needs space. Marriage especially so, I guess.

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  14. Sucheta: Absolutely.

    Tan: do watch the movie 'when a man loves a woman'. You will get your answer to the question you raised.

    Abha: very true. Thanks :)

    Swati:Thanks :)

    Shachi: Thanks :) Yes but possesiveness does stem out of jealousy and that 'me-mine' fatcor. That should b squished is all I am saying. Let the other person be

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  15. Prathima: nice to have friendships like that!

    Vidya: Oh you are right--so many change overnight. They drop their friends without even a moments hesitation after finding "The one".They act like they are the ONLY couple getting married in the world :) Amuses me no end.

    Pointblank: Salsa is NOT having sex! It is not 'intimate dancing" :) Will write a post on it some time. I have learnt salsa..will explain it all in the post.

    Tarnag:Thanks!

    UJ:Thanks!

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  16. Dear Preeti :)
    i saw name of ur books on flipcart and after reading their description I'm willing to read them soon. I suppose they are feel good books and I do need to read such books :)
    anyway, so I was searching about you and I found ur blog and I saw this post. I'm currently going through the same problem in my life. But it seems so easy when you read about such things, but it isn't very easy to convince ur lover/husband to think like dt...
    Plz do tell me, how r u supposed to make the other person realize without hurting their feelings :(

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  17. Loved the post Preeti and I dont use the verb lightly. I planned to write a longer comment but it didnt happen. Cdnt let the post go without letting u know how I felt. Thank U....:-))!!!!

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  18. Yes, every word is true.. Letting the other person have a life of their own is very important in a relation...

    All of this is true when you are together..When my husband had to moved to Dubai leaving me and our baby for a few months, I knew I missed him, but still loved that life a lot.. I think a break was required for me to understand how independent i was still and how i actually missed him.. And thats how this post evolved.. do lemme know what u think - http://zradar.wordpress.com/2010/10/11/the-best-thing-about-marriage-2/

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  19. Hi Preeti, this is one thing I have always been afraid of in a relationship or marriage. Being single is so very good is what I have always believed. But knowing that there exists someone who loves you and bring out a smile onto your face makes me think that its okay to have insecurities and jealousies but of course everything needs to have a line drawn.

    I too have felt similar situations with someone close enough to me though we are not in a relationship yet. But I can relate to what you mentioned because I tend to be insecure when she meets her other friends. I tend to be protective. I nvr thought i would feel this way ever in my life but i have been through this off late.

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  20. Congratulations :) This post in one of the winners of 'Tejaswee Rao Blogging Awards - 2011' (TRBA 2011). We would like to create an ebook with all the winning entries in 47 categories on Feminism and Gender Issues in India (and one category on Animals Rights). Please do let us know if you are fine with your winning post/s being included in this ebook. ( Please click here to let us know).

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