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Stay or Stray?

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Really sorry--I have had to remove this post as it will soon appear in a book. Making it available online would have been very unfair to my publisher who has placed so much trust in me. I hope you enjoy the other posts as much as you enjoyed this one. A heartfelt thanks for your support and understanding.Thanks for continuing to read what I write.

Comments

  1. Right on the spot.

    I think many people get into a 'commitment' without being prepared for it and that's where it all starts and add to it the fast pace of life.

    There's more to a r'ship than just the cootchie coo's and I love you's.

    It takes two to tango, and definitely more so when it comes to r'ships.

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  2. J!!!!! : do you have a chip embedded INSIDE you that tells you when i update?!! That was super quick! You are right.Most people dont know HOW MUCH effort it takes.

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  3. Hahah.. I happen to be at the right time at the right place ;)

    A Million little pieces.. read the book reviews.. and ordering it on the net as I write this comment.

    I think you just led me to a book that i'm gonna love. Thanks. :D

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  4. yeah better to be careful and not slip especially if you had a partner as cool/nice as mine. In my opinion not worth it at all - the temporary kicks of pleasure are not worth the lifetime pain it gives later on...

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  5. Hey PS... yes they all have reasons to stray .. and without getting into value judgments .. i still feel that if one can find a reason to stray then one doesn't need to make even that effort to find that reason .. just open your eyes to your spouse.. the love between you both .. and i am sure it would be easier to SEE what it would mean to end something precious ..

    i feel majority "stray" incidents have no "strong" reason behind it .. and my next thought refers just to that ..


    am just wondering... can one relationship stand on grave of another one.. how can you LIVE love when you don't understand what love MEANS and FEELS ..

    anyways just my thoughts ..
    and thanks for the linking to my site

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  6. Hey PS,

    I think its the sex. In long running relationships, esp with kids, sex takes a back seat... You have sex when u can not when u'd like to...coz the kids, routines, chores etc etc etc, take priority. The energy levels get drained faster than a 6 V battery and as u wake up the next morning, you wonder, "another night gone by..."

    Very few break out of the routine for their spouses or reationships... Sometimes its eaier to start a new one!

    I have met several couples, who although not married, but are committed in full time relationships, stray for sex.

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  7. Hmm True.. I had a personal experience with one of my close friend.. I took it pretty hard and tried to help this person out, but in vain.. Atleast i am happy that my friend is happy with her decision..

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  8. That has got to be the one-million-dollar question that even einstein cannot answer...

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  9. Satish: Mwaaaah!!

    Vinny:The ones I know did have STRONG reasons.Those who are lucky enuff to have understanding partners are blessed.

    Ritu:yeah--maybe you have a point there.These ones i know did not stray for sex--but for emotional nond that they established.

    Veena:Yes--your friend knows whats best for him/her

    Princess Banter:Wonder if Einstein ever strayed!! LOL :-)

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  10. Everyone has reasons, but that doesn't mean they didn't go into the marriage with unrealistic expectations. I think this is a key-point in marriage (not that I ever married) because people rush into it, with their passion and their hearts only and they don't antecipate the difficulties and the challenges. And then...they feel like the marriage failed, when it's them that's failing the marriage.
    Man, that was good ;)

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  11. Devil Mood: i dont think it was because they rushed into marriage.Even with couples who have lived in and taken very long to decide to get married (therefore making ABSOLUTELY sure that he/she is THE one) it has happened.Bottomline is every relationship requires a big effort.Marriage (esp when kids are involved)even more so.If you have been faithful to each other for 5 years or longer and your relationship is still alive, then i think it is truly cause for celebration!! ;-)

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  12. Hmmm....this is something i dont have ne idea about:-( but somehow it reminds me of Kabhi Alvida na kehna.

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  13. that was a very "happening issue " that you have written about & yes I agree with you that committed people have to make that "extra effort " to feel the same & be the same even after years of being married...but like I always say for any challenge of life"its difficult but not impossible' & yes I still feel the same about my spouse after 24 yrs of marriage & so does he feel the same about me...& yes we have a wonderful loving daughter. the crux is to be frank with each other & express when being taken for granted & spell out what is "expected from the other"..& MAKING TIME for each other INSPITE of all the chores...even a smile or a hug every day will do wonders to keep the Romance alive....

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  14. "Besides they all have their reasons."

    You summed it all up there, you smart lady.
    They all have their reasons...it isn't about us.

    We needn't worry about others relationships when we should be focusing on our own.
    xo
    Blue

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  15. awww I thought this post gonna be a "lesson learning" or a big lecture for those who stray. But u kept it totally sensible :) And I love the pic up there of that snow bear or some animal.. with two kids :) lovely :)

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  16. PS Im not in a committed r'ship right now but I think I know why ppl stray...I read it that humans r desinged to be polygamous...it's a scientifically proven fact. No matter how much we wanna believe we r only gonna have one LOVE in our lives, we do fall for many...it's in our nature...

    Thats why when we get into a committed r'ship, we have to make a promise to ourselves...that we r going to be 'committed'. If that was a natural streak in us, do we even have to label it as 'committed'? :) So some stick to that promise...some others cant.

    btw check my blog babez ;-)

    Keshi.

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  17. On the button. The simple ground reality as to why we look for someone outside the married life. Sometimes the women become the reason and sometimes the men rather most times damn the hormone !

    But heck we are no animals to keep grazing where ever we want, not that it is wrong, but it would always have an repercussion. I think if couples communicate more, talk openly and DEFINITELY spend time with each other then regardless of the age and physical appearance, we would not be strayed to an outsider.

    But then there are always the blue eyed men and the blondes around who could be a bit of a distraction but then it is upto us on how we are going to keep still and move on without being distracted.

    Good writeup.

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  18. Akanksha:Yes--somehow that movie reflected what is truly happening in relationships.(if u ignore the fantabulous settings!)

    Keshi:I read about that too.But how does that excuse straying? We have to control our impulses na--if we want to that is! :-) And thanks!!I did check ur blog .Am siming a big smile now--U made my day Keshi!

    Red soul:nice that u dropped in.Even better that u liked what u saw!;-)Will drop in soon.

    Vik:thanks!Women can blame hormones too.LOL ;-)

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  19. SVK: yes I agree.It is truly upto the couples.But it has been scientifically proven that "madly in love" excitement when one feels when one FIRST falls in love does wear off.In other words falling in love is just a trap nature sets to get you to procreate!!Its true.But after that it is upto US.(and your marriage is something i alway have looked upto as 'ideal')

    Blue:Clever Clever Blue--You saw what I tried to say with those italics! Have a GREAT weekend!

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  20. Hi ps,

    I agree witrh you. It is sad that relationships break so easily. I feel, the addiction of staying with one partner has to be from both sides. In fact both should lean towards each other, minus standoffs.

    By the way, you like Roald Dahl's short stories. It just caught my attention. Perhaps you may share with me your favorite. Mine is 'the pig'.

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  21. Kulpreet:Thanks for sharing your views.I agree it has to come from both sides.But in some marriages,esp in India, the man is a total MCP and the woman is very supressed.Mostly she stays in it for the sake for her children, and also because she is not capable of being financially independent,societal pressure etc etc.(The story of Pooja chauhan which was in the news recently was a real eye opener.Imagine how much guts it would have taken her to do something like that--and imagine her level of desperation.Many like her suffer in silence.Many others have affairs)
    I like almost everything by Roald dahl.I like all stories in 'switch-bitch'.I like 'The great switcheroo, The visitor, and that story where the lady leaves him inside the elevator (forget the name) Have read almost everything by Dahl.

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  22. I applaud your non judgement..however deep our 'moral'/'religious' conception of commitment is..we will never truly know the reasons why an individual does what they do..we can only presume, add theoretical averages, gossip and imagination...I an not a saint or a cheat..but have been tempted and am a 'man'..I have hormones and my brains (apparently) are not situated above my neck!...however I have been married for 23 years..am happy and still in love...

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  23. Great link, PS, thanks for that; I thought the idea of carrying one's spouse quite romantic indeed.

    So, here's what I learned from my own marriage breakdown. If you've always thought that marriage is a 50/50 thing, then you're being lazy. Marriage is NOT 50/50, it's 100/100 - both of you are required to give 100% of yourself to make it work. If something is not working, ask yourself what you're doing to contribute to that BEFORE you blame the other person.

    Men are from Mars and women are from Venus, and each of you have your own intellectual, physical, psychological and emotional needs; don't make your partner guess what those are - tell them. And just for the record, men are not as intuitive as women, nor can we do 'subtle' very well either. Subtlety won't work with us - be direct - smack us over the head with it if you have to - sometimes we just have to be able to see in it in our own terms to understand it and do something about it - we rarely, if ever, see it from your perspective the first time around, okay? *smile*

    We have a saying here in Australia (and I don't know if it's unique to here or not), and this saying works for both sexes - you don't go out for hamburger when you have T-bone steak at home

    BE the steak, be the gravy and while you're at it, be the trimmings as well.

    Give the bed a miss - do it on the floor, the couch, the kitchen bench; go out into the garage and do it in the backseat of the car.

    Introduce food to playtime; edible undies, some fruit and vegetables, lol - it CAN be fun.

    Dress up occasionally - men often go for the French maid or the librarian with glasses look while women don't mind being patted down by a fireman or a police officer.

    The kids aren't around tonight so there's no need to be quiet - scream, moan, be vocal, but stop short of scaring the neighbours, okay?

    Okay, I'll stop now, lol.

    Great read, PS.

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  24. Scotty:That was very very insightful,helpful and GREAT advice.You should write it in a blog post.It was so well said that it certainly deserves more place than a comment box! In fact I read it out to Satish.(my husband) Thank you Scotty!

    Niall:All the very best to you my friend.May you have many more happy years of togetherness.There is a poem that I simply must share,on the lines of what you said.i shall mail it to you.

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  25. ps - As I read your post and the comments, every one made sense in their own way. :)

    A few words which sum the why's of straying/cheating.

    Communication
    Friendship
    Sex

    A combination of all of this is what triggers an emotional bond - if you don't get it with the spouse, we look for it outside.
    God knows people try, I can't for a moment think we want to stray..

    It's a delicate balance alright..

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  26. Rads:Your comments too made perfect sense! Who knows--maybe some people do have an inbuilt straying chip--its in the genes u know--it has been proven :-) (but then again whatever can be proven has been untill it hasnt!) Thanks for commenting..and yes, you are very right about emotional bond.(at least for women--Somehow i think men still stray for sex)

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  27. OMG! This sounds scary..posts like these will keep spinsters like me away from marriage ...lol!

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  28. I'm not married, so I wouldn't really know what that's like. But I suppose if you do take time off and go on vacation and recharge and spend time together with your spouse, it would help. But then I'm just thinking out loud.

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  29. Annie: Dont let this post scare you!! :-) Each to his own--or her own!! :-)

    Pravin: :-) :-) :-) I guess it would help IF the spouses WANT it to help.

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  30. It takes two to tango, Preeti. If both parties involved want to make it work and understand that relationships take time, effort, compromise and understanding, then that would be a cause for celebration year after year!

    Vidya

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  31. aww Im glad PS, u deserve it HUGGGGGGGZ!


    **how does that excuse straying?

    not at all! :) Its just the reason why some ppl stray. Committment is a matter that one must take seriously.


    Keshi.

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  32. I have read the story a couple of times before. Its amazing how it gets the same reaction the third time i read it.:) Overwhelemed Very much basically.:)

    I agree with how you analysed the issue.:)

    I guess a marriage takes alot of work besides all the honeymoon period which often deterioate fast. Its more than all that i figured.

    Hmm...Getting married. a beautiful thing that freaks out my heart. hahaha.:D

    Thanks for sharing Ps.A great one!;)

    Cheers!:D

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  33. Vidya:Yes, it definitely would! Easier said than done.Difficult but not impossible. :-)

    Keshi:Hugzzzzzzzz :-) am smiling now.

    Swwetsticky:Ha ha ha ..Thanks for commenting.

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  34. I had no clue you had a blog. :-) Came here from Janani's page.

    Good... I'll add you to my list :-)

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