Monday, June 29, 2015

Playing hard to get (blog marathon post 27)

From my column Sex and the city  that I write for Financial Chronicle every Saturday.




When you are single and trying to get that cute guy or that stunning woman at the bar, your workplace, the library, local gym or bowling alley—depending on the things that you typically do during your weekends-- to notice you, it can be very confusing to decipher if they are truly not interested in you or if they are playing hard to get.
The thing about playing hard-to-get is that it is a double edged sword and you have to be adept and a master of the game to be able to use it to your advantage. One wrong move and it can slip, slicing the relationship and your heart (or theirs) in the process, killing what could have been wonderful before it even had a chance to blossom.
There are many people who put honesty above mind-games and have ended relationships as the stress of figuring out where exactly they stand in somebody’s life, especially when they have been left guessing a tad too many times,  gets impossible to endure. Then again there are others for whom the chase is the elixir their attraction thrives on. They do not want somebody who is predictable, always there and willing to go out with them at last minute notice on a Saturday night.
According to researchers Dai, Dong and Jia, whose paper has been published in the journal of US national library and national institute of health, playing hard to get works only under certain circumstances—where the partners were already interested in each other and had a certain degree of emotional investment in the relationship. If one of the parties was not interested, playing hard to get would not motivate the other person to chase. Thus only if a potential partner already knows about you, likes you and thinks you are nice does this strategy have a chance of working.
The thing is each of us are complex individuals with our own quirks, likes and dislikes, not to mention mood-swings, stress and a hundred other factors that affect decisions that we make daily. When it comes to playing hard-to-get, no matter what the research says, one person’s turn-on might be another person’s passion-killer. Personally if somebody was sending me ‘stay-away-from-me’ signals I would take that at face value and stay away. And if I was interested in someone, I wouldn’t play mind-games thinking that it would increase their desire for me. I would instead make it known that they matter and would ask them out and see if I liked their company. And if they didn’t return my calls after a couple of attempts I definitely would not ‘chase them’  as it instantly conjures up an image of a cowboy with a lasso, trying to loop in something that is attempting to get away. A relationship has to glide effortlessly, more so in the early stages.
While there is a whole load of information out there which tell men how to make her beg for sex with tips like more foreplay, waiting for the right moment, giving her a teaser of the things to come, kissing her softly and tenderly, pressing her against the wall and looking into her eyes while dry humping her and so on, what they forget to tell you is that most women like guys who are genuinely sweet and sincere. Every woman loves a guy who will listen to her, converse intelligently with her, treat her with respect, and admire her mind more than her body and most importantly a guy who keeps up his word. Thus if you are a guy who has promised her that you will call her on Wednesday, put a reminder in your phone and make that call. If you have told her that you would get back to her on something, ensure you do by the said time. Little things like these are what would make a woman impressed with a man. No woman likes to be kept on tenterhooks wondering where she stands with a guy.
My male friends tell me that it is the same for men. Most guys would hate a woman who doesn’t keep up her promises, who treats them like her personal errand boy and does not respect them.
The rules of a relationship are simple. If you like them, let them know. If they say no, let them go.
Now, that isn’t so hard to get, is it?
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Sunday, June 28, 2015

A little Sunday (mis)adventure: (blog marathon post 26)

So we went to this restaurant in the afternoon. A new one. From the outside it looked great. Bright yellow exterior with a olive green door and a sign board done up in funky font announcing it's name--styled the way UK pubs are--and I admit that's what drew me in, and I decided this was where we would have our lunch.

Once inside it felt like the interiors were trying too hard to be a hip and happening place--a deliberate kitsch of mismatched chairs, tables with high bar-stools and cheap replica of bollywood posters of the yesteryears--their newly minted gloss finish giving away the tackiness like someone who is obviously old trying very hard to look young by wearing a youthful shirt that bulges at the seams and jeans that are a tad too tight.

They seemed to be yet getting their act together as it took my son two trips to the counter and back to be told it was actually self-service, but only one part as you placed the order at the counter, paid the bill and then waited at your table to be served.

They billed us and then discovered that some of the items we ordered weren't available. So we 'swalpa-adjust-maadied' and settled for whatever was available. The place is supposed to specialise in parathas and I would expect them to get at least that right, no matter how new they are. The parathas were nothing but two chappatis trying hard to bond, with some filling in between which was trying it's best to stay inside. I make better parathas than these and I am not even good at making parathas.

We somehow managed to finish them and the mistake we made was that we had already paid for the desserts. We were informed last minute that the Gulab Jamun we paid for wasn't available and so we took Rosgullas. They are normally served in sugar syrup---but I think they ran out of sugar. They were instead served in what seemed like coconut water with a few shavings of almonds thrown in for some flavour. The rosgullas themselves tasted like rubber.

'What an awful place,' I said. 'I am never going back there.'
'This place sucks,' said my son.
'Terrible,' declared my daughter.

'Come on guys,it isn't that bad and  at least they are pleasant. How would you like it if your dad opened a restaurant and  some people said all this about the restaurant?' said my husband.

'If you opened it, then the service and food would be awesome. No way it would be like this,' said my daughter.

I think she had a point. My husband is a perfectionist that way.

Maybe today they were short-staffed and having a bad day. Maybe their chief cook didn't turn up today. Maybe they are still figuring it all out.

But for me, like a relationship, if  I am not happy with something, I take it as a lesson learnt and move on.

If something is worth doing, it's worth doing well. I for sure, am not going back to that restaurant.
I am not naming the restaurant, as perhaps someone else may have a better experience than I did.

Again like relationships---someone may not be right for you , but that doesn't mean they are bad.
And that also doesn't mean you have to compromise and settle.

At the end of the day we have to make choices that make us happy.
And give us a sense of our time and money spent well.

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Saturday, June 27, 2015

A love affair (blog marathon post 25)


"Golf is like a love affair. If you do not take it seriously it is no fun. If you do take it seriously it breaks your heart."
          --Arthur Daley
Picture clicked today by me. It was an afternoon well spent.

Hope your weekend has been good too.

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Friday, June 26, 2015

How do you know it is over? (blog marathon post 24)


“How do you know when it's over?"
"Maybe when you feel more in love with your memories than with the person standing in front of you.”
Gunnar Ardelius,  from the book  I Need You More Than I Love You and I Love You to Bits
 
I cam across the above quote and thought it was beautiful. It led me think how would you really know it is over?
 
If you are constantly thinking about how good used to be, maybe it time to rethink about your relationship.
If you are always thinking about someone else even when you are with them, then that is a sign too.
If you are fighting over and over, about the same things with no end in sight, maybe that is an indication too.
If you feel no spark or joy at the thought of being with them, chances are it is over.
And finally if the thought of life without them in it, seems as a welcoe relief--then it is definitely over.

But don't make a final conclusion yet. Move away. Give it space. And time.
Sometimes that is all a relationship needs.

And sometimes, that brings closure.
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If you like my thoughts, you will like my books. check out 'The One You Cannot Have' for a weekend read.