You deserve to feel wonderful

A good friend of a good friend died  two days back. It was all of a sudden, a cardiac arrest. I have met the person but cannot say that I am a 'friend'. Yet the death did affect me.


What is it about deaths (even of people we do not know)  that affect us all so much? Is it the warning of our own mortality? Is it because we're truly powerless in front of it? Is it because it is a stark reminder that life is indeed fragile? Is it because it is a jolt of  fact presented to you in a manner  that screams that today indeed might be your last day?

In my twenties, I hardly thought about death.(At that age, who cared really!) But now, the older I get, I find myself realising more and more that every single day that passes, brings you closer to the date of your death. We all come with expiry dates and the clock is ticking.

 Most of us, especially if we're parents, hardly live for ourselves. This is more true if you are a woman. Somehow I find that men do not feel as guilty if dishes are piled up in the sink and the house is a mess. They would probably still grab that  mug of beer and catch that cricket match or football game or NBA match or whatever sport he is into. It is more likely to bother a woman who'll probably wear those dish washing gloves and get down to cleaning before relaxing a bit. (I am yet to meet a woman who says she can unwind completely in a dirty house).


But I am digressing here. The point I am trying to make is that all of us deserve to feel great about ourselves, every single day. Our loved ones too deserve to be made felt wonderful. Life is too short for quarrels, for petty misunderstandings (it is truly petty if you view it against the fact that for all you know that person may not be alive tomorrow), for harbouring grudges, for feeling down about whatever is worrying you right now.

There is nothing you can do about death, but there are several things you can do about life and the way you live it.

Here is my list to ensure that each day is a day well lived :

1.Express love:  Hug and kiss and tell my loved ones that they matter a lot. Somehow, expressing my emotions is very important to me and I am demonstrative by nature. (If I am annoyed that shows too even if I try to hide it :P ) There are many who are not able to express what they feel, even if they want to.  They feel it is understood. But the fact is even those people  who claim they are uncomfortable, secretly  like it if they are hugged and kissed. (Who does not want to be loved?) When I was doing my Masters, I remember reading up several case studies that demonstrated the importance of touch. This is a good article if you wish to read more about it.

2.Show Compassion: How is showing love different from showing compassion? It is perfectly possible to love somebody deeply and show no compassion. A case in point might be an overly authoritarian and disciplinarian parent who feels that showing love, hugging and/or kissing is a sign of weakness that may spoil a child. Compassion means looking at the situation from the other person's point of view and empathising by considering their needs and feelings. I have a few friends who feel offended if I am not available to them when they need me. They are unable to see it from my point of view and sometimes they sulk for days.

3. Make time for things that matter to you: To me, reading is very important. So is spending time with my children and spouse. I ensure that no matter how busy I am, I am available to the children when they come from school. It is very rarely that I have not been at home to greet them (with a hug) when they arrive. I also read to them at bedtime and then spend at least half an hour with them. Usually they cuddle up to me and tell me so much about their lives. Similarly I ensure that when my spouse comes home from work, I get exclusive time with him. I do not take phone calls at that time. We sit in the garden and have a cup of tea.(without the kids). It's truly one part of my day that I look forward to.I read every single day and I cannot live if I don't have a book to read.(currently I am reading two books and i always ensure I have enough stock of books to read).


4.Wear smart clothes:  I wear  comfortable and smart clothes that make me feel terrific, every single day and I just do not  save up the clothes for 'special occasions'. If you have not read the poem 'Millie's mother's red dress', do read it. It is a wonderful poem. When my dad passed away, one of the things which affected me most was giving away the new T shirts that he had never worn. I had gifted them to him and he had wanted to wear them immediately. But my mother (like Millie's mother) told him to save it and wear it when they would come to visit me the following week. There was to be no 'following' week. I still get goosebumps and a lump in my throat when I recall how delighted my gardener was when I gave away those T shirts to him.


5.Make time to  call up a friend and talk and laugh: Life always seems better after a phone call to a good friend, more so if the friend is a positive, happy person. Often I find that a problem talked over with a good friend does not seem such a big problem after all.


I am sharing here a poem which summarises what I believe in and follow:

To Have Succeeded

To laugh often and love much:
To win respect of intelligent people
And the affection of children;
To earn the approbation of honest critics
And endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others;
To give one's self;
To leave the world a little better,
Whether by a healthy child,
A garden patch,
Or redeemed social condition;
To have played and laughed with enthusiasm
And sung with exultation;
To know even one life has breathed easier
Because you have lived...
This is to have succeeded.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

To me, that would be a life well lived and when it is my time to go, I'd have no regrets, saying my good-byes.


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ps:  If you have your own ways to live a fuller life  that you can add to the list I shall update the post (and credit you of course) with 'addendums'.

Addendums (as promised)

From Ruchira:
1)Don’t color your life with regrets and sadness for what you don’t have. Instead stay happy by focusing on the positive things! Celebrate your life – After all you only live once!
2)Always Keep learning and doing new things – It’s never too late to learn something new !
3)Travel Travel Travel – Explore this world as much as you can. It’s a Beautiful place !

4) Its never ever too late to say sorry and patch up :-)

From Pia

Not to be afraid of trying new things
Not to be afraid of being adventurous
Not to be afraid of what people would think and doing what you
Accepting life as it comes ("Whatever happens, happens for good" - My husband Vinay keeps saying this)

From Shachi:
Learn to let go easily....forgive and try to forget as well. I find this very hard to do so.
-Be authentic - I see many people who try to adjust and tune to other people, so that everyone likes them. In doing so, you sometimes compromise yourself so much that you forget being true to yourself. I try not to do that as much as possible.
-Find happiness in simple stuff - for me right now, its my baby's smile :)

From Sheila:

1. Take life as it comes with a grain of salt and quit complaining.
2. Live in the present moment.
3. Show people that you care before it becomes too late.

From Sucheta:
try anything once.
-No regrets whatsoever.
-Learn a new thing ( including an idea/concept) everyday.
-With everyone you meet: Connect. Listen. Accept. Evolve. (wow, this just summed up what I have been trying to figure out about people for days!)

From Guru:

# Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn
a life around. ~Leo Buscaglia
#Don’t compare your life with others, you have no idea what their journey is all about.
#Learn to be happy with what you have while you persue all that you want.