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Marriage and its other implications

Warning/Disclaimer:
If you are under 25, then this post is definitely not for you. It is a serious post. I suggest you stop reading right now and come back after five years ;-) I know many of my friends' children read my blog, and hence the disclaimer.
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A friend of mine, a smart brave young lady, who has a great career going for her, has just called off her wedding, after being engaged for 5 months, as she realised that the guy was not right for her. I totally applauded her courage and her decision. Her folks and she suffered a huge loss monetarily as all the wedding arrangements had been made, venue had been booked and even wedding  rings had been bought. Can you imagine the amount of courage this would have taken, especially in an Indian scenario? Her parents support her completely and I was happy that she had the courage to call off her wedding rather than suffer with the wrong person for the wrong reasons of placating society. Not everyone can be as brave and as certain as her.
 
I have been doing some serious thinking about marriage. I know some bright young women in their late twenties or early thirties, who are single and financially independent and leading their own lives. Yet 'well meaning relatives' and parents push them like crazy to get married. Nothing you do as a woman counts, unless you have got married and produced a child or two! Somehow, in the Indian society, everybody is content only if you are 'settled' (meaning married and produced a kid within 2 years of marriage) once you cross the age of 25/26, whether you are a guy or a girl. I also know some really smart young men who are being pressured the same way.

With young men (and also young women) what happens mostly after they get a job and start earning well is that many of their friends get married (perhaps succumbing to pressure from family). They post 'happy couple pictures' on social networking sites (I find it amusing when someone puts up a couple picture or a picture of their child as their display pic on Facebook!). They find their own homes and move out of their bachelor(ette) pads. At the end of the day, they have 'someone to go home to'. All this sounds fantastically exciting when you're single and longing to 'have a family of your own.' Which is not really a bad thing.


But what most people do when they are looking for a person to marry, is that they compromise, simply because time is running out, and 'everybody is getting married' and because parents and well meaning relatives will stop nagging. If the prospective match  meets about 60% of what you have in mind (after meeting several people who matched only 35-40%, then one gets fed up of searching for the perfect one too), they say yes.(and everyone is ecstatically happy for a few days and congratulations start pouring in).

Trouble usually starts after 5-6 months of knowing each other really well and when the initial excitement of a new person in your life wanes a bit. If you're married by then, its too late :-) Then it is a lifetime of 'adjustments and compromises'. I had elaborated on this in my article 'Marriage and Freedom'.


But if you're not married, then some, like my friend, do the smart thing and call it off. (A similar scenario happens in Zindagi Na mile Dobara--I loved the movie! It is a MUST watch)

 
Yesterday, I posted a part of Steve Pavlina's article on my tumblr (where I post stuff I find on the Internet that interests me) with a link to read his whole post. Here is a screen shot of it.



If you are interested in the whole article and if you are interested in what he has to say, you can read the whole article here:
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2009/01/polyamory/

Steve Pavlina has indeed written an incisive article and he addresses many issues and  myths like physical intimacy, sexuality and selfishness. It takes a LOT of courage to go the path that Steve has chosen. It takes  depth of character to even understand what he is saying, especially with regard to sex. If you have been conditioned by society, by peers, by parents to believe in the following concepts
 "Marriage means compromises"
 "Everybody has to adjust in a marriage,"
 "I will not do anything that my spouse does not like even if it matters a hell of a lot to me, because it makes my spouse feel insecure/unhappy. After all I love my spouse and I have to make this marriage work"

then you will definitely find Steve's frank views shocking and pure blasphemy. (I can already picture the reactions of a few of my good friends if they read Steve's article) :-)


But then I also know of many married people who will nod in agreement to everything that Steve has to say ;-)

Personally I do believe that a partner should never restrict you  from doing things  YOU want to, because of their jealousies, their insecurities, their needs. I know many who badly want to do many things, but they do not do it, because their partner does not like it or partner does not share the same interests. They live their lives exactly like how their spouse wants them to, giving up things (and even people) that mean a lot to them, thinking that if they do that, then the marriage will be a happy one. Over a period of few years they are a mere shadow of what they used to be and they are not even sure of their needs anymore. They define themselves as somebody's  mother, somebody's wife, somebody's father, which are all roles which are important, no doubt. But beneath that is the interesting person who used to be so much fun,who used to be so interesting and full of life, who has faded away now. They exist in their weary marriages, adjusting, compromising, placating parents, society and everyone but themselves, too afraid to make a change.

One can grow in a relationship only if it is free of restrictions, jealousies and mistrust.
To this end, Steve Pavlina's views are something which I completely and wholeheartedly endorse.


If you're single and you have not yet found the right one, fret not! Enjoy your freedom!!  Marriage is really not as big a deal as its being made out to be, trust  me!  (I have been married 16 years) It is a  LOT of work and a LOT of giving up, even when your spouse is the most understanding of people.

If you are married and especially if you've been married five years or more, then read Steve's article. It's worth the long read. ;-)
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Addendum:

I never expected this post to generate this much interest!! I have been flooded with an enormous number of mails, from  so many people who feel stuck in their current life situations. All of them bless me for writing the post and send me so much love. Thanks so much for that! Many  of them ask if I will be their mentor and guide. While I am honoured that you choose me to be your mentor, I am really sorry, I will not be able to oblige. Everyone knows that I put more than a 100% into every single thing I undertake. Currently I have a lot of things to keep me occupied (the top priority being completing my 3rd book) and hence I will not be able to take any mentoring requests or requests for guidance which will involve a LOT of commitment from me.

Also many people are leaving comments on this post which is not at all in line with what is written in the post. Many are making personal comments about other people who have commented on the post! Also, Please understand that I am not interested in getting into a debate with anyone who has already subscribed to the idea that "marriage means compromises."

Hence I am screening the comments for this post and  will be deleting only those which are not  directly relevant to what is being discussed.

Thanks a lot folks! Next post onwards comments will not be screened  :)




Comments

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Preeti, You have my standing ovation on this post. Most people get married either because it’s something one HAS to do or because they crave companionship and look at marriage through rose tinted glasses without really understanding the full implications of it. (Actually I really want to know if marriage is the answer to loneliness?)I have hardly met people who get married because they really WANT TO!
    I applaud your friend. I really do !

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  3. I've been wanting to write something like this for a long time....I really liked your post. Thanks! I am 28yrs old, earning well, single and a female and my parents have taken it as a moral responsibility to get me married, but luckily they haven't been imposing any guy on me. Marriage to me definitely means a life long committment and I will not just marry anyone for the heck of it. But then don't you think marriages these days are a gamble? I mean not that it wasnt earlier, but our female ancestors never voiced out their opinions and continued to do their duty to keep up their marriage. But women today no longer tolerate a man's misdoings,is that a reason why marriages are falling apart these days? Also how do we even forsee what the future would be after marriage... I'll be happy if you share your inputs here....

    Also it takes great courage to listen to your heart, I salute every men/women who listen to their hearts and donot succumb to any pressures.

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  4. Great post! :) A lot of insight on a very important aspect of life.

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  5. This can be a total eye-opener for some people.I feel too strongly on this burning topic of my life right now!

    The pressure builds up like never before and I have seen some close friends succumb to it.Also, I have seen them realize, later that it was not the right thing to do.But, most of the times, it was too late to be corrected.

    I admire your friend for the guts she had...Pulling off something like that,is admirable, especially if you're a girl in this man's world called Indian society.

    I am still going through the worst phase of life..Pressure builds up and dies down..i fight, i resist.At the end, everyone knows, that I won't say a Yes unless and until I am 100% sure...And as of now, the people I ma meeting are just the 10-15% of what I think would be the right man for me!

    So, I guess it is all about how you handle the pressure and do what you really want to.After-all it is your life, and no one has the right to take a decision, or rather, force a decision. I am quite lucky in that aspect, as my folks have never questioned whatever decisions I have made...So, I guess that is the reason, the so called pressure eases for me, on its own!

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  6. I am 23 and i am married and i knw the pain!

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  7. I am 23 and i am married and i knw the pain!

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  8. Great post preeti. Just like Niharkia I am 28 single and am enjoying my independence now. My parents too have taken it upon themselves to get me married because they feel it is their responsibility as parents. But thankfully they are not in the compelling or pressurization mode yet and for me marriage is not the start and end of life. There are a great many things I want to achieve in life and great many responsibilities I have to fulfill for my parents as their child because I feel getting married might come in the way of it all. Just because my parents have girls doesn't mean I have any less responsibility towards than a son. But the world even today makes it difficult on you. As I have seen around me all is well as long as the girl gets married. The guy agrees to be your wall. But the wall starts crumbling soon and all that you have hoped for crashes before it even buds. I hope the world changes its views and let people be themselves

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  9. Nice :) nice to see u have also put in guys view too in this topic or most places it's one sided. As they say marriage is like a public toilet. Those inside can't wait to get outside and those outside may eagerly want to get in.

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  10. Oh Preeti!!!! you are an Angel sachhi- this couldnt have come at a better time!!!
    I also had an arranged marriage where my father created my account on shaadi.com without my knowledge, and fixed an appointment with a guy and his parents and then let me know that I had to be home that sunday to meet "someone" - I suppose parents also come under a lot of peer pressure. My marriage was a perfect example of arranged marriage and I got to know about my hubby's habits and stuff after I moved with him in the states.... not that Im complaining - he IS a great guy but I'm still not a wife!! LOL.... I totally agree with you, Steve(loved his article) and all the comments posted here... kudos and applause to the single females who have taken this on themselves and not crumbling under pressure..... I was 27 and "already over the marriagable age" and now since my one year is completed everyone is pressurizing me for a kid "since age is running out and as it is youre not working so better you have a kid" Right now on facebook I'm seeing some of my friends with the pics of their kids and how complete it makes them... no offence -its their happiness but dont we have some of our own dreams? I'm throwing away my dream of going to a beauty school and started doing oracle again beacuse "I was respected when I had an IT job" and now when I talk about my blog or beauty stuff to anyone they ask - why do you wnat to be a parlourwali? and Im including friends here who are my generation.....

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  11. Not yet 25, still read it :P

    And you will not believe that my parents have been prepping me for a couple of years already to get married after internship finishes next year (because "higher studies toh hoti rahengi" :P). I don't blame them, they don't know any better. Mum got married barely in college and Dad just after joining his first job. The idea of an Independent woman is so hard to digest in our society.
    "Achha, beti akele reh rahi hai Dilli/Bombay mein? Job karti hai? Hamari chachi ki nanad ke bhai ka ladka hai. Baat karwa dein?"

    I have the "single child" card to save me the horror. and now I'm gonna bookmark this page and use it as a weapon when required :P

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  12. Also, @Eve-O-Lution: 5'd love to know about this beauty school idea :)
    Don't give a rat's rear about what the world says, do what you want.

    And kids! God. Whenever I tell my folks I don't wanna have 'em before 30: "DOWNS SYNDROME ho jayega!!" Haha. And I tell them who's the doc here? Stop messing :P

    LOVED loved the post Preeti <3

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  13. Nice post. It would help many bachelors which thinking about marriage.

    I am 35 yrs old and married for 11 years. I am happy with my relationship, but successful marriage need management, lots of care and understanding. I would like to share my experiences, suggestions on the subject.

    1.The most important thing is the Understanding between the two.
    2. Family background is also important.Sometimes common background is successful, sometimes contrast is also working, You may be interested with Science, She may enjoy working with science.
    3. Every individual needs respect for his individuality, if you try to change the type of your spouse or if she tries to change your likes/dislikes, then it would be very difficult. You both will struggle but no one would win happiness. If any one sacrifices his individuality, he will have to kill her inner self.
    4. Accept your partner with his/her likes/dislikes. It is not needed to adopt all the likes/dislikes of the partner. Just respect your partner's identity. If you both have some common taste in life, it is wonderful.
    5. Provide open space for you partner. Encourage your partner's hobby or professional skills.
    6. Do not compare your partner with others, never in public.
    7.Take it as a all new fresh relationship, do not expect or anticipate more, start as friendship with your spouse. Be faithful, share your happiness, your partner will share your worries too.

    I will recommend, do not hurry. Take your time, if you are in Love with someone, do give it a chance.
    Sometimes things get complicated, if we have multiple options.Now a days, live-in relationship, both partner love to be working professional.
    Marriage is less private and more public relationship. It affects our public image and social reputation a lot. Our elders used to be concerned about it, our future generations is based on the success of our marriage.

    Be optimistic, It is very special relationship. Successful marriage is a boon of God, it is matter of luck.....Finally I would say it is very practical relationship, It can not be planned.

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  14. very well written Preeti!! I can so relate to every word you wrote.
    I am turning 30 in a couple of days, single and have almost everyone around me getting married or having kids every now and then. My parents are pretty cool about this whole thing but its the relatives, neighbours and some friends that try brain-washing them. I have been very sure that I cant get married coz I have reached a certain age or all my friends have gotten married. I would take my time to understand things and I feel I have lot to do before I settle down as marriage involves lot of responsibilities and I am not yet ready for it.
    Thanks for this awesome post!! Gud luck! :)

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  15. so brilliantly and blatantly you have tackled such a sensitive issue and amazing remained very moderate on both sides of the coin-while removing the blinding glitter of the surface you have managed to let the sheen remain:-)

    kudos and thanks for such a treat to treat!

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  16. Not only the post is brilliant, the comments are as well :). I applaud your friend, as well as the single professional ladies here AND their "supportive" and "understanding" parents for giving them a chance to live their dream and understand who they are and what they want from life before being committed to someone for life. All parents should do that, but most don't, so cherish and appreciate if your parents are a gem in this area.

    I've been there myself (got married in my late 20's), and had relationships before marriage, and did turn men down coz I felt it would be more suffering than happiness in the relationship, or, it was too early for me to commit.

    Steve Pavlina's article is profound and deep. He ended his marriage after 15 yrs of being together, and I applaud him and his wife for being so open about their life. High level thinkers for sure.

    Santosh's points in his comment are so bang on. For those who are married, we know it's constant work. Both parties need to grow together, and mutually choose to live a conscious life, where u leave the past baggage behind, cherish the present moment, and build happy dreams of future.

    Another important thing which I did early on in my marriage is to understand my partner's love language (and he understood mine). We truly wanted to make each other happy, so we learnt what to do and how to do it to express our love. We nurture our talents, and provide ample freedom n space to each other. As most people would agree here, it’s not a bed of roses, however, we work on making it better and better as each day goes by.

    Jeez sorry for the long comment.

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  17. Shachi:Thanks so much :) Steve is still in a loving relationship with Erin. There is no bitterness whatsoever. Both support each other and both GROW. That is truly commendable. Santosh makes points about 'compromising' and 'adjusting'. Steve is trying to say something completely different. I do not think length of a marriage is any measure of its growth or indication of its happiness!

    Suruchi: Mmmmmmwah! :) Did I tell you I love you ? :) :)

    Naina: I don't think marriage is a panacea for all problems and getting married to the wrong person is truly condeming oneself to a lifetime of unhappiness.Glad your parents are supportive.

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  18. Santosh: Thank you for your comment. I again repeat that the length of a marriage is no measure of its success or happiness. Happiness is in any case only transient, and I find the term 'happily married' a bit of a silly term. You talk about 'adjusting and compromising'. What Steve says is it compromises on your freedom to MAKE CONSCIOUS choices.What he is talking about is polyamory and why he is practising it. Of course it takes a HUGE amount of courage to be so open. Most people would still prefer being with one person and doing many things for that one person in order to make it work. But fact is no one person can fulfil ALL your needs. We do need different people for different needs. If your partner is the sole provider of all your needs, then you are of course, restricting yourself from forming loving relationships out of which BOTH can grow, with many others, who might be able to give you what your partner cannot.(and I am not talking about sex here)

    Sucheta: mmmmwah! <3 :) You have the maturity of a 30 year old, kiddo! :)

    Eve-O-lution: Just follow your heart and do what your heart tells you to.Don't even have a baby unless YOU feel you WANT to! Good luck with your dreams..Ignore the nay-sayers and go for it girl! Go fly!

    Aloo: hahahahaha..yep--mebbe its true :P But it also depends on how urgently one wants to use the loo :P :)

    Anusha: I agree. Thanks a lot and good luck with all that you want to achieve.

    Lifecurry: I got married at 23 too :)

    Akanksha: Yes if parents support and do not pester one to get married, that is great. Thing is there should NOT be any pressure in an ideal situation.Parents should just let the kids be! Not everyone is as lucky as you na.

    Mamta: thanks!! :) :-*

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  19. Niharika: You're absolutely right when you say the women of yesteryears had no choice. Yes, marriage is indeed a gamble. There is no saying how itt will go and there is no saying what will happen after 3 years. One is not the same person that one was, when marriage happens. We grow, we change. If our partners grow and change with us, its great. Else one is just stuck. That is why Steve's article resonates so well with me.

    Ruchira;Thanks a lot!! Yes, one should get married because one WANTS to..and trust me, no matter how much one thinks it over, so many things chnage when people start living together.

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  20. Brilliant one again, Preeti! I have been following Steve's journey for a while now and read this when it was published - I had to sit back and do a lot of thinking and cleaning up inside my head then too, even though I already agreed with most of the stuff he had mentioned.

    I am 31 and single and you can imagine how desperate my parents are now to get me married to any half-suitable guy! S/w engineer hai, achcha kamata hai, bas ho gaya! Aur kya chahiye! They do not get it that marriage (or any relationship for that matter) is hard work. We work on the relationships we enjoy keeping. If a person do not like her partner, she will simply let the relationship go and it will crumble - maybe slowly, but surely. On the other hand, if someone is with a person of her choice, then despite everything she'll do her best to make it work.

    Our parents and so-called well-wishers (who wished we were in the well) are simply too hung up on getting us and keeping us married. A very good friend and real well-wisher one day did sum it up for me after I had spent 1 hr complaining about people who wouldn't leve me alone - according to her, these people are jealous of the freedoms that we are enjoying. The very idea of a free, independent girl, who might be having 'relations' with other men (without marriage - horror! horror!) is intolerable to them. After all, why else would she stay single? TO be free to do what she wants. A bit selfish of her, no? They would be happy I guess if we sacrifice ourselves for the greater of the society by getting married and staying married.

    It all seems very crazy and waste of precious energy to me.

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  21. Post as usual is insightful but some of the comments too match up to it. I am 27 and happy being unmarried but my parents feel I have had enough freedom. Guess I have to start fasting like Anna Hazare to win over my parents... :)

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  23. keeping a photo of couple or kids doesnt mean that they do not have an identity... it means that they love them

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  24. Sayiram: Your display pic is who YOU are--not who your spouse or child or pet or father or lover is...I always find it amusing. It's like you define yourself in relation to your spouse/child/pet/lover or whosoever photo you put..You are of course free to have your own views on it and free to put whatever photo you choose too! Personally I would put only my picture if it is my profile.

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  25. Hi Preeti,

    I have read your blog for the first time today,and am just amazed by the clarity of thought and experience in this article,I am 24 years old,am independent,but as you mentioned the willingness to get married gets increased when you see friends getting married.
    "Over a period of few years they are a mere shadow of what they used to be and they are not even sure of their needs anymore. They define themselves as somebody's mother, somebody's wife, somebody's father, which are all roles which are important, no doubt. But beneath that is the interesting person who used to be so much fun,who used to be so interesting and full of life, who has faded away now. They exist in their weary marriages, adjusting, compromising, placating parents, society and everyone but themselves, too afraid to make a change." The lines have made me think and motivated me to make use of the wonderful time which I can utilize to the fullest being single....what being "married" would require in the true sense and yes, despite of the disclaimer,i have read the post,but it has been of great help....Thanks loads,Kudos to you !!!!:)

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  26. :)that gives me a sense of relief, but i will surely mail about wat i feel someday if you dont mind ?

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  27. Amazing! \m/ :)
    I agree with each and every word!! And can relate to it so very well at a personal level!!!

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  28. Hey Preeti, Don't know how your posts come at the right time.. It couldn't have been a better time.. Someone needed these words and all I could do is forward your link happily because he needed it the most at this point of time.

    I had long time back posted something similar commitment in love in my blog and I believe its never a compromise or adjustment. The moment we compromise or adjust we are never ourselves. And even the partner would start noticing the difference and it would lead to more fracture in the relationship. Acceptance is the key to happiness in any relationship, marriage being the most important one. If we could accept likes/dislikes/habits/views/culture of our better half then definitely there wouldn't be any space for insecurity, possessiveness, etc. In today's time its not only marriages that break but also before that I have seen couples break up after spending even more than 3-4yrs together in a relationship and there is nothing wrong because its better to move on rather than being tied down by something which would not let themlive a happy life.

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  29. If not ready to marry and give birth to a child, then how come we entered in this world.

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  30. Javahar: :)Who says you have to be married to give birth? :D

    Abhi: Happy my post helped someone. Well, every marriage DOES have compromises Abhi. The moment you enter into a marriage you are giving up so much of your individual freedom. Of course even in tne best of marriages, there is 'give and take'. What is sad is when the whol individuality gets squished. ( For eg: "don't talk to X, I do not like him" never mind that X has been a part of your life and means so much to you.) Secondly where do you draw the line at 'acceptance'. For example, your partner may think that smoking weed ocassionally is okay but you may have a different view. There can be a million other issues like this.Would you accept or compromise?

    Vidya:Thanks!

    Lifecurry: Do mail Ps(at)preetishenoy.com

    Anusha: Welcome to my blog and what an article to get started on my blog! :) I usually write lighter posts :) Thanks for the appreciation about clarity in my writing. Means a lot!It's truly the highest compliment for a writer :)

    Varun: :-) What do YOU want to do? Do you want to get married or wait or what?

    Prerna: bang On about jealousy they feel! I so completely get what you are saying. And who says one has to be married to raise a child?! (which many in indian society will find shocking)

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  31. Marriage is a crazy yet lovable roller coaster ride. How much ever you prepare for it, you never know what its going to throw at you the next moment!

    Just read the blog post by Steve, it brings about a mix of feelings and thoughts.

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  32. Aathira: :) Problem is you cannot make the roller coaster stop ;-)

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  33. I don't know. I want some time to figure it out :-)

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  34. @Preeti: Agreed! No doubt we need to draw a line in case of acceptance as well, definitely there would be compromises but it shouldn't affect one's own life. The point where it hurts so much that moving out helps, i guess that is where we need to make the decision. I would never accept someone to lose his/her individuality and that's where one goes wrong. Things could be spoken up and voiced.. made clear! Well, yes if few changes and compromises come in for the good for both and for the relationship then there shouldn't be any problem.

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  35. Varun: Time gives all the answers. Always :)

    Abhi: I don't know..compromises and 'affecting ones own life' etc are very subjective terms. In the end of course it is loss of freedom.

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  36. So true Preethi..This is a great post.I can only love someone of they allow me to be myself

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  37. Abhi: Just get dissolved in the relationship. Accept her individuality,compromises may heart your ego and attitude. Just learn to enjoy and appreciate her individuality. Accept her with differences, she may compliment you. She can fill up the gaps where you lack in. Just think, if all the peoples will be of same kind, same nature, how boring would be our life?

    Be brave man, Birds do it, bees do it, we are intellectual human being, we need HER important presence in our life to make it beautiful and joyful. If you wish to give it a miss , you will miss the "Better half"...?

    Let life happen to you, Let LOVE happen to you. Sometimes floating with stream is more joyful rather than fighting with it.

    Good luck for your marriage.

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  38. @Santosh: Agreed to what you say.. there is cent percent acceptance of your thoughts but what becomes a botheration is if the your better half is not at the same level of acceptance or you may say compromise. I personally don't have experience but what has come across me I think life can't be perfect and we need to float with the stream as rightly said by you.

    @Preeti: LOss of freedom is always a concern. I have always seen it as a big concern in any relationship. While thinking about it I just couldn't relate to the movie Pyar Ka Panchnama. A movie made on a very lighter mode but has a strong message.

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  39. Preeti,

    I love this post! I had been in an abusive marriage before and the only thing I'd do differently next time will be to call off the wedding and listen to my gut!

    I am 35, living a fabulously crafted life for myself and would love to share that with anyone who can be a part of it, while having their own life. I don't want to be anybody's mother or therapist or a servant maid! I want a partner, an equal.

    All I know is that the past in NOT in my future!

    You are simply awesome and I adore you!

    Vidya

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  40. This article of yours got me thinking. Well, I agree with some of your points and share a different opinion on a few others. First of all, I understand that it must have been a tough decision for your friend to call off the engagement, and she is really brave to do so. I believe there must be something better in life awaiting her. I am not in consent with you when you say Marriage means to compromise in one way or the other. Well if a girl or a guy is single is it possible to always have and lead her life without having any compromises to make? If you see in life its not always possible to have everything according to your wish, and its irrespective of the fact whether you are married or single. For a few it may be otherwise though where after marriage they feel they have sacrificed their life for their spouse and their life is only full of compromises. I can just say I am sorry for them and wish them good luck. But for some Marriage is a bliss, they have encouraging spouse who help them in their carrier, share the household responsibilities and yes they make a few adjustments but its not appropriate to call it a compromise, as they love each other and are selfless to make each other's happiness their first priority. You may have your own opinion on what you make your profile picture and so do others. It is very extreme viewpoint to say that they do not have their own identity if they make a profile pic with their baby, or with spouse or friends or family. Take it light, the profile pic on your social networking site site is just for sharing with friends, its not your CV/ your resume which is the actual reflection of one's identity. For obvious reasons, the identity proof is the photo is your passport and not the photo pn your profile pic on social networking site.So chill out.

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  41. Advesh: Glad it got you thinking ;-) I don't think you have understood what the point of this article was or what Steve Pavlina was trying to say.Please understand that I cannot join you in your level of thinking, which must be right for you nor am I interested in debating whether single people are happy or married people are, or whether marriage is a bliss or not. If you are happy using your spouse's, pet's or grandfather's pic as YOUR display pic, in any social networing site, please continue to do so and chill ;-) :) I continue to be amused :-))

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  42. Vidya: Wow! :)Your blogger display picture itself speaks volumes.Love how it radiates joy, positivity and confidence!Tried to visit your blog but you haven't likned it to your blogger profile.Please do! Lots of love!

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  43. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  44. What an excellent post! Like you said, the single status for women is much frowned upon in India. Dunno when all this will change?

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  45. Hey Preeti,

    It is because of you that I am choosing to make my blog a public blog. I had made it private nearly a year ago for different reasons.

    Thank you for making that difference with me!

    Vidya

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  46. Vidya:My pleasure!!

    Dhanya:Thanks a lot! I doubt it will.

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  47. Why 25+ ?
    This post, with steve's is also valid and very true when it comes to committed relationships, which are meta-marriages.

    All the best with your new book. Read your first two, awaiting the third one. =)
    Take care.

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  48. I really appreciate the effort put in by you in writing this blog. I would like to mention some of the questions that came to my mind. The person who stopped her marriage, (no offence meant) would she be able to find out what she really wants from her partner. In fact, I doubt if anybody can point out what he/she wants/expects from the life partner 5 to 10 years down the lane. Because the perceptions and expectations change continuously. So, are you advising that the partner can also be changed continuously with the expectations? Is it sooo wrong to adjust with somebody? What does individuality mean, when nobody benefits from it. Can anybody embrace individuality and freedom and exist alone, completely detached from the outside world? Is it wrong for people to learn to co-exist. Is it not possible for two people to understand each other? What does freedom mean when the person enjoying it doesn't understand the limits? (I don't mean no freedom, I just mean that, there needs to be some self-prescribed limits for freedom too). Whatever the Westener says might suit his "culture". I am really amazed by the situation that we're in right now, where nobody puts (or even tries to) in an effort to find out why our culture is the way it is, but just accepts the culture from the western world. My guess is we're just too lazy to figure out why certain things have been followed in this part of the world from time immemorial, and find solace in following blindly (read so called "rationally decided") western ways. There's no blasphemy in anything for animals. Humans can decide what to do, what not to. Doesn't mean that he should do whatever that comes to his mind.

    ReplyDelete

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