Finding the right man to marry

Addendum: this post was chosen as 'Top news blog post' on Reuters today(4th August 2008) and now appears on the home page of Reuters India!

Really sorry--I have had to remove this post as it will soon appear in a book. Making it available online would have been very unfair to my publisher who has placed so much trust in me. I hope you enjoy the other posts as much as you enjoyed this one. A heartfelt thanks for your support and understanding.Thanks for continuing to read what I write.


  1. And both the posts will help us single ,baffled souls decide how to 'get-the-right-person'.

  2. That was a nice post.... :) I feel I am one luckiest soul on Earth to have a great hubby.

  3. I agree with what you say...but I also think the physical compatibility has to be there. A marriage without that spark is just not a marriage. The fact that I never felt physically shy or uncomfortable around my guy was a major factor for me. I don't want to feel as if I have to look tip top all the time. Lolling around on a sunday with a mud pack on your face and oiled hair and him still saying you look beautiful (ok that's a little too much) but at least not shying away - well then that's a perefect guy for you, of course apart from what Preeti has already said.

  4. I'm waiting for the next post :-)

    Cheers :-)

  5. Anonymous11:55 AM

    I think my new hubby ticks all those boxes! Go me!

  6. Satish...
    We are waiting!!!

    BTW this post is also an HOWTO guide for men thinking about getting married (include me). Its good to know what the person on other side is thinking/looking for.

  7. :)

    true true! so hear hear indeed!

    when i told my dad i wanted to marry M because he has a brilliant sense of humour he threw quite a fit! :p

    but he keeps the laughs going in the relationship!

    yes, respect for life is so so important! i liked the fact that he always asked the waiter / sales guy his name before saying thank you and would always shake hands with them! :)

    which was so similar to what i would do! i can help but say please and thank you to EVERYONE and more often than not we mean it!

    i also think you dont have to like all similar things!! basic values and interests need to be similar, but not aperfect match for other things!

    i learnt to appreciate such different kinda movies and theatre thanx to M! and he catually thought we could get interesting stuff at a handicraft mela!

    and yes! like you said a marriage needs to be worked on! everyday!! :)

    heres wishing you guys such happiness always!! :) we have a long way to go as yet!!

    sorry for the post length comment!



  8. Absolutely great post!!I am waiting for the next one now.. :)

  9. My Hubby is WONDERFUL just WONDERFUL !!!

  10. points noted down - when we need to make the perfect lady impress, we will take advantage of this post ;-)

    i am waiting for the next post - wht satish hv to say abt hw 2 find teh right lady :)

  11. After celebrating a silver anniversary ,I know exactly when a marriage turns out to be a success.

    It should start from scratch and you have to build your home and life brick by brick .When you have enough of everything to start with , there are no challenges on a day to day basis. Artificiality creeps in --I did not have to call her daily from work ,no bouquets no exotic gifts no need to impress her or others with an 'i love you' . We have found happiness at small things,laughed at silly things and stupid comments,thrived on small weekend trips rather than exotic holidays and enjoyed eating out at small eateries than big hotels.We have taken up each others responsibilities without having to be told ,me doing her domestic work or she doing my work like banking etc. No egos

    I really don't know how it has worked , probably great understanding , least expectations , trust and genuine affection for each other .

  12. Preeti,

    Absolute truth, specially point no 6.

    If you find time please do read " Happiness is in your hands " which I wrote on 04 Dec 2007 after completing 36 years of married life. Hope you do remember my URL -

    Take care

  13. That was a nice post..."how to find the perfect guy: the step by step guide"... Now all the women can just take out a list and go marking their 'prospective suitors'!! :P
    But u did get almost all of the things would take all of that to find someone u'd wanna spend ur life with...

    P.S. : Really waiting for Satish's post...Really!!

  14. Satish's post seems to be the most awaited post ever in blogging history :)

  15. Kenny: Heh heh

    Jack:Wow--36 years!! Amazing.Would love to--but do send the exact link to the specific post please.

    Ajit: hearty Congrats and I am truly happy for you.I guess to each his own.I completely disagree that calling up from work to say 'I love you' or getting flowers for your wife is artificial in any way--To many men, it comes naturally--especially I think, the younger generation.And most women would LOVE it if their husbands got occasional flowers and gifts for them, told them they still look pretty, and expressed their love.I do feel it is very important to express your love,apart from of course the other things.

    xh: :-)Will tell him

    Priyanka:Touch wood!! and am happy for you both.

    Multi menon:Will tell him

    Mama-Mia: Thanks for the long comment--no need to be apologetic at all!! and yes--I know exactly what you are saying.And wishing you both too lots of togetherness and happiness. As regards tastes not matching, sometimes when they are totally opposite and you cannot share something that means a lot to you, because your spouse cannot relate at all--then one wishes they did!!

    Rohit:Will tell satish :) Do you remember what i had told you, when we met for that interview?

    Freelance: happy for you :)

    SMM : Yeah--sexual compatibilty is very important--I haven't discussed that here as a lot of my friend's children read my blog!:P and LOL--I'll tell satish about your second comment.

    Aargee:Touch wood.

    Meira:Hope they do!

  16. Good post!Been a married man can relate to something here...more will be in the next post I guess...

  17. I would like to add
    A person who shows you respect whatever be your opinion and then if he doesn't like it, try discussing instead of demeaning you...that sure shows he respects you for what you are, and not what he wants you to be...

    But've summed it up perfectly....
    "Go grab him"...oh yes!!1 if there is a check mark against all those points she said....quick...don't let him go :D

    Great post...and yes...would love to hear Satish's perspective too...

  18. i really pray to god to have a good caring wife:))...thanks for sharing!!!

  19. Wow..nice dosage for all!!!!
    Somehow i m already waiting for the next post!

  20. Preeti,

    I have given my URL. Once you reach my space select Dec 07 posts. There are 2 of them and you can find one I have told. If you still find it difficult, please do let me know.

    Take care

  21. ..I need to discuss about this with u. When I started writing my comment here, too many questions came up. And yea.. tell Satish to be VERY honest with his post :P

  22. Anonymous9:04 PM

    Wow. The intricate details with which you describe how a man should be!

    I am a 21 yr old guy in an advanced stage of parenthood and planning for my kids ... only thing ... im neither married nor have kids, which I know is silly but I hope you will sympathize anyway :P

    I guess what women (end up)appreciate(ing) most in a man is virtue and patience.

  23. Hey PS...just loved your blog waiting to see what Satish is going to write....
    Would like to add that marriage is also about compromise and adjustment,if you get 90% of what you want from your spouse learn to let go of that 10....!!

  24. Nice post. All the criteria makes perfect sense. But tell us where to find them also ;)

  25. Have taken a few leaves out of this book, to be put in one of mine and taken out at the right moment some time later.

    I will be kind(er) to waiters. Even the ones who choose to digress from their trade and its tricks.

  26. Oh PS! I wish you had this list ready 6 years back would have really helped!! hehehehe.

  27. This is a really great post, especially because you're speaking from experience.
    I definitely agree with you on the values and common interests: if I imagine myself being 70 or 80 and having someone by my side I don't want us to have nothing to talk about! Plus values guide us in every decision of our lives and in a marriage there are constant decisions.
    As for looks, every day I'm more certain that they can't count on our choice. Have you noticed how someone that is good-looking can look plain after a couple of years and how someone that is plain can begin to be enchanting with all the oxytocin around? ;) And this is a shame because I always fall for the handsome :/

  28. Poor Satish. Does he enjoy writing? He has a lot to live up to with his post!

    I remember thinking of a lot of these same ideas when I was choosing my husband!

    We have true love, I'm sure. Even so, I really enjoyed that oxytocin, I kinda miss it... :)

  29. cool man......very nice post......waiting for Satish to write on 'How to find the right woman to marry’..........

  30. This is a nice one! Good luck to your cousin! Agree with most of what you say...Had posted something similar some time back...on a lighter vein...

    And like you said, I had absolutely no clue on all this stuff at that time...was just plain lucky...

    A word of warning for people searching for Mr. Right, though. I found that mu hubby changed a lot after marriage...and many of these great qualities he acquired as time went by...or rather as the need arose.. so not sure how much you can find out using a check list beforehand... but then good luck!

    And like everyone else...waiting for Satish's post! That would be interesting!

  31. When i'm looking for a husband..i'll definately use this as my guide!..but seriously...'Love is trap set by nature'what a wonderful line!

    when i met my wife back in 1981,it was after I'd finished a relationship with another girl..I'd had enough of the 'dating game'..I had resolutely decided that I'd never look for a girlfriend again..I'd enjoy life my own way...that's when i met jan....27 years later we're still together!!

  32. :-)

    I liked the template of your blog...

  33. sreejit: thanks

    Niall: Here's to you and Jan--a great couple.Wishing you many more yars of togetherness.I felt good meeting her.

    Wannabewriter: Yes--I guess changes are inevitable. We all gorw as people.Worst would be if some of these qualities were lost after marriage!;)

    Sachin:Thanks! will tell him.

    Sue:Yes he does!But hardly gets enough time.I guess he will enjoy writing this one.

    Devil-mood;Ah that devil-oxytocin ;-):-)

    Goofymumma : :-)

  34. Karan: well--waiters was just to illustrate the point..what i meant was people in general who serve us, as its their job.

    Dhanya:Then I'll have to rename my!! :-)

    Chandan: i agree with you SO MUCH about letting go that 10 fact i should havbe put it down as a point.

    andback: Only 21 and thinking about family and kids?!!wow!

    Shruti:I will! And you know you can call me anytime.

    Jack:I did--and left a comment too--hope you got it.

  35. Now this is indeed not fair. With all the pressure on the post to come, I guess I will not be able to goof off over the weekend (or even fall sick) and I will need to take some time out for composing the masterpiece. Hmmmm. Never fear, am up to the challange and shall come up with something soon - wait and watch. Just one word of caution. My mantras worked as far as I was concerned. If you take my advice and it works for you please send money in multiples of thousand to PS or me(for thanking us, of course) and if it din't kindly forget where we stay - cheques however continue to be welcome.

  36. @Satish
    Now that this is one of the most awaited reply post..there is indeed enormous pressure on you!!

    ROTFL at your comment!

  37. Hopefully there are some women out there who wouldn't be reading this post! Else poor souls like me would have to ever remain as bachelors!

  38. Balu: LOL!..That was really funny :D I just read out your comment to satish and he laughed too.

    Mathew:Ditto for you!!

  39. Great post.
    Came here via Kerala Blog Camp website .

    Thoroughly enjoyed it.

    Hope to catch up with you in Aleppey.


  40. awesome advice!!!

  41. so true..
    but it's also true that all of us change a lot(or can be changed)after marriage...

    so one should have the ability to spot the capacity to change...too

  42. Such amazing advice and so so true, you rarely think about this stuff when you think you are head over heels in love with the guy. (the things mentioned dont come to mind) - you just basically live in the moment! (I blame the stupid hormones)

    Am hoping the things you did mention are easier to find in a guy, cause I dont think I have met someone that fits all criteria yet :(.

    But thanks so much for reminding us all what is truly important sometimes :)


  43. Shruti: When i was your age, i never paused to think about all this too.But looking back now, i am able to analyse!

    Gazal:I guess we all chang.We are no longer the people we were 10 years back.But the thing is the couple has to gro together--and not grow apart! :P

    Mary:Thanks!!I take that as a real compliment coming from a veteran mom.

    Nikhil:I too wanted to make it to allepey--but tickets are looking very difficult right now :( Let's see.

  44. PS,
    Not sure about your location.
    But I would say, Tatkal will help you.
    Hope you know that Aleppey is NOT in the main train route in Kerala, most trains go via Kottayam. There are a few trains via Aleppey, but in case you don't find one, you can get down at ERS(Ernakulam) and take a bus/train.
    IRCTC site has a typo and ERS is there as ERAnakulam and not ERnakulam.

    Do let me know if you need any help :-)


  45. Nikhil: Thanks for the offer of help.My mom lives in kerala--so I am very familiar with most places in kerala and i have been there hundreds of times.I know about tatkal too.Flight is easiest--but way too expensive.I live in pune.

  46. Ps,
    Ok :)
    Pune-Aleppey is a long journey!!!
    Flights , as you said are the best.

    Anyways, hope to see you.

    PS(I mean Post Script):I was in Pune till April 2007. Still in love with that place.

  47. My wife totally agrees with your reply to my comment .She says she would have loved to get phone calls , flowers and gifts from me --I thought that I had missed out on these occasions, as we had a difficult start up in life --but she has reminded me about the daily phone calls when she was working , the surprise bouquets being delivered early morning for her birthdays ,and also the short weekend outings we planned near about her birthdays---I recollect now.
    The term artificiality was probably because we had a neighbor who after many years of marriage was still a sickening ' joru ka gulam ' and his wife used to thrive on that--it used to be a great topic for joking amongst his friends and we other neighbors.

  48. Ajit: I really appreciate your honesty and am moved that you asked your wife.Do convey m regards to her.And yes, henpecked husbands are really unbearable.

    Nikhil: i moved here 2 years back.I don't like the place at all!

  49. I don't think I'll get married anytime soon, so I don't think I can leave any meaningful comment here. :-)

    Anyways, if a girl starts picking men on these categories, I'm sure I'll remain single for a LONG LONG time!! :-(

    "Watch how he treats waiters at a restaurant."
    Wasn't that a straigh lift-off from Lage Raho Munnabhai! :P

    And yeah, you're one lucky lady to get such a versatile husband like Satish! Convey my respects to him! :D

  50. I look forward to seeing what Satish has to say on the matter. :-) But I also like your perspective on things - good post, Preeti.

  51. Scotty: thank you!I too would like to see what he has to say!

    Hari:Is that why you left a meaningless comment?:P
    And hey--lifting from HINDI Movies, of all things, for heavens sake is the PITS.I don't watch Hindi movies--so i wouldn't know--If it appeared that way, it must have been sheer coincidence.
    And after so much of experience, one just knows--one does not have to lift!

    CU :Thank you.

  52. Am spell bound Preeti. At loss for words to comment. You have said it all.

  53. now this is weird...i have absolutely no idea why my wife sticks with me...going by the list rating, i have failed in has to be my sex appeal...

  54. Preeti u wrote just what was in my mind. I agree with you.

    I totally agree on 5 and 6. I have seen even some love marriages fail after few years on the baby question. Whether to have one or who should take care of it.

    I understand this is not the complete list, but what about alcoholism, smoking habits ? I am particular about that too.

  55. the best way to sum up marriage life and love...

  56. Preethi, please tell Satish that though he's asked for cheques in multiples of 1000s, he's forgotten to specify whether he wants it in rupees or paise :P

  57. And also what if the mantra works n a couple do get married, only to get divorced, can they demand that their cheque be returned :P

    PS: Blame the lawyer in me for these questions

  58. Still nobody came to me until now. What can be done in that case? ;)))

    Nice read. :)

  59. this is so much for info.thank you so much!

    i'm still single and this one is something i can ponder on. for all those experiences you had, you are truly a sage.

    nice post!

  60. this is so much for info.thank you so much!

    i'm still single and this one is something i can ponder on. for all those experiences you had, you are truly a sage.

    nice post!

  61. this is so much for info.thank you so much!

    i'm still single and this one is something i can ponder on. for all those experiences you had, you are truly a sage.

    nice post!

  62. Iriz: Thanks! ha ha --No saintly advice here--just practical things!

    Emmanuel:Are you asking me to start a dating/match making site?;)

    SMM: i shall let satish answer that :)

    Uma:Thank you.I know there is a tag pending from you--but so sorry--i have forgotten which one.Tried looking for it--but i think its buried somewhere.

    Abirami: Thanks.I guess there is a difference between alcoholism and a social drinker and one who drinks 2-3 times a week.Also all men who smoke are not necessarily bad guys!! It depends on how strongly you feel about it. To be really honest i am very okay with both.

    Tys: Either that or your sense of humour ;)

    Hari:thank you.

  63. whoa...came across ur blog jus now...n tat was one of the best posts i hav ever read!!! guess i can use this post as a "How to be a perfect husband" guide...:)...eager 2 chk out ur other posts...

  64. I think I need to keep my radars on now. May miss a potential good match ;)

    nice post PS and congrats!!!


  65. Ps,
    Congrats on being featured in reuters :-)


  66. Hehe

    Congrats and yes touch wood on the perfect marriage...

    I think you two should seal the relationship with a "dummies guide to"...

  67. Anonymous2:48 AM

    Good set of advice. I have experienced point 1 and can vouch for it. Point no 4 seems to be inspired from Munna bhai :)

  68. Wow! Congratulations Preeti!!! I'm gonna go and check the site right now :)

    'But the bottom line is, if it is real love, you’ll be just fine.' - I just u'stood this line and totally loved it. :)

  69. This is so true.Though, I had a love marriage, could never pin point in such articulate manner. You have done a wonderful job, After 13 years of marriage, I can say the same thing.

  70. @SMM
    Just to clarify. It is neither in Rupees or Paise. You forgot to read the fine print of the contract (and you being a lawyer - cardinal sin). It's in GBP. As regards what if you get married an then divorced post taking my advice - well money once it comes in, does not go out again. Has a lawyer ever returned the money for a case that is lost? What however goes out (unlike in the case of lawyers) is our blessings and best wishes. Possibly a bit of refinement on the original piece of work so that when you continue the search and strike gold finally, we get more GBP's.

  71. Congratulations! on your Reuters..

    Good Post...

  72. Vinoo: thanks!

    Satish: Laughed reading your reply to SMM.
    SMM:You asked for it!!! :) :)

    Harihara/Teju: Thanks!!I appreciate your telling me.

    Stillthinking: thanks!!--click on the words 'Top news post' and it will take you t the site.

    Maduraiveeran: Hari also said the same thing--Scroll up check my reply to him.It was sheer coincidence as I dont usually watch Hindi movies.(exceptions being some outstanding ones like Omkara)

    Ceedy: touchwood touch wood touchwood and thank you.

    Nikhil:Thanks to you for desi pundit :)

  73. Nice post! :) Def some rules im gonna stick by...

    You've been tagged!

  74. Real nice post and congrats on making it to Reuters :) That must feel like when you were published on RD:)

    But nevertheless, I must say these are somethings I have tried to think and write down in the hope of deciding the course of my life, now that might just be simpler!

  75. Hi Preeti,

    CONGRATULATIONS, on making it to the Reuters. You deserved it most.

  76. Preethi: Congratulations on making it to Reuters :)

    Satish: Fine print of the contract has to be seen to be read. Non-existent fine print does not apply. Besides with the UK economy in a recession n the Brits coming to India job-hunting, you'd probably be btr of with rupees and paise. And thirdly if you want your consultation fees in GBP then you'd have to clear some regulatory hurdles with the FIPB as well :P

    Oh and if we do lose a case, we file an appeal and charge more money. That's a piece of free advise for you :P

  77. Jack: thanks..
    On a lighter note
    As regards 1. They come in three shades and sizes--red,blue and green--small medium and large..And as regards the rest--come and talk to me when you have been married at least 10 years or when you are 35 And yes--I do know some great 25 year old who want to have kids.

    SMM: Thanks! He had a smart repartee for that--but I hate my comment box to be used as a repartee box--and we are deviating from the topic here--so not publishing it.

    Hari:Thanks so much

    Aathira:Thanks..No with RD i felt 'safe' I feel slightly uncomfortable in a strange way.

    La vida loca: :-)

    Sunshine :But if you find 85% let go of the 15! :)

  78. ahh..finally blogger and the net have decided to cooperate...

    good post, preeti...

    and congrats on making it to the reuters page...

  79. Hi preeti,
    I got to this link via DesiPundit..

    n ur posts rock!
    n this one especially..
    My marriage is fixed and hope v make it a grand success! ;)

    I m not done with reading all ur posts yet..
    stil reading them..
    u r a gifted writer and ur attitude and energy is amazing!
    Managing a household,pursuing ur interests in varied fields and managing everything well, all at the same time is no joke!

    hats off!


  80. This is great....thanks for a very realistic check list.

  81. OMG PS! i 2nd n 3rd myself on how well u write..ur thots are so real n practical.I was nodding my head n connectin to each n every point in this post. Its so well-written!n so practical!
    Really u are a super-mom, super-wife n super-writer!

    n yes!therz no way to know all of this abt the guy before gettin married...I've been married for 2 yrs..n going by this post, I've definetly found the right(i hate the word perfect!) man... so far.
    I've heard n experienced that thing changes with time n phases of a relationship..Hope all the changes in my married life is for the good!

    Congrats!this post definetly deserved to be on Reuters.

  82. I am really impressed by the way you have put things across. It is really nice to read it when I am myself at such crossroads. Great work and of course a great relationship you share. Wish you all the best. :)

  83. wut a lovely piece of writing ! :) very candidly said.. but guys lik dat r really hard to come by u kno !

  84. Hi Preeti,
    I have asked my friends the same question. But the say chemistry needed when you meet someone. In case of arranged marriages, the two families meet and guy and the gal are allowed to talk for a an hour or so. But how do you identify if he's Mr Right?

  85. Manasa: Trust me, you just know when it happens--Its like 'click' and it falls into place.I don't know how else to explain it.

    Nandy:Thanks!And yes--they are indeed hard to come by. You looking?!

    Goda: thank you so much and wishing you luck too.

    Pavi:Thanks!!And touch wood!

    Sirensongs:Glad you found it useful

    Hunter:Thank you so much--and wish you the very best.


  86. Hi ,
    very nice post ... each and every point make sense.

    i wanted to know one thing -

    when do you really know that the girl is truly in love (i dont want to use love here because i believe ONLY in your "second version" of love ) - so lets say feelings for you and feel that they wish to spend the rest of their life with you ? ) (the reason i am asking is - even though you are kind of close to some one, you cant really go and post the same question to them :) )-



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