The shoes fit but they dont feel right.

I took my mom out shopping today. She is visiting me for a few days. By itself, it seems such an insignificant thing. To me it was not. I’m fighting my tears as I type this.

It was always Dad who used to take her out. They have spent 35 years together, and were still very much in love. My dad adored my mom. My mom had to just mention, “I feel like going out today” and my Dad would take out the car (he loved to drive and was excellent behind the wheels) and off they would go. They were like teenagers, even at that age. I loved the way my mom made an effort to look pretty, when it was time for my dad to come back from work. Even after he retired, this ritual would continue. They would sit together, have a cup of tea, laugh, talk and even squabble at times. They hated spending time apart from each other. My mom would blush when my dad told her how pretty she looked.

She is incredibly brave. She is picking up the pieces remarkably. I admire the way she is dealing with her deep grief and helplessness. At the same time, when she is out of sight, I feel so sad that I sometimes break down.

It has been just over a year now, since my dad died.(click on the red words you don’t know the story) A friend asked me if the grief had lessened. I told her that the pain never really goes away. It still feels raw.

When I took my mom out, I told her she looked great. She smiled. We went to a mall. She was happy. She enjoyed the outing. I overheard her calling up her sister, long distance and telling her proudly that I took her out. With my mom, I do a great job of being brave. I joke and make her laugh and console her.

I seemed to have stepped into my dad’s shoes.

They seem to be a perfect fit but I miss him more than ever.