tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36418670.post4497607999275004015..comments2024-03-25T15:49:59.208+05:30Comments on Preeti Shenoy's blog.: How to deal with a difficult parent. (Blog marathon post 10)Preeti Shenoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01626823872300694608noreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36418670.post-7195688405634681512013-06-25T20:11:40.512+05:302013-06-25T20:11:40.512+05:30You said middle east, Right? I am sure there will ...You said middle east, Right? I am sure there will be some clubs / communities of Indians. You can make your mother join them. She will meet new people and feel fresh. <br />Loneliness maybe the Reason for her frustration. Afterall, you are her only closed. Thats why, she does not like to send you and your wife out, alone, fearing that you might not return to her, she has lost her husband already. <br />She needs love and security not sympathy, Take her out sometimes, make her feel Important, she will change with time. After all she is a mother, she will always like her child to be happy. Good Luck :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09441504628988503532noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36418670.post-17388519979273160102013-06-24T15:04:30.794+05:302013-06-24T15:04:30.794+05:30I can easily see my husband in this man's situ...I can easily see my husband in this man's situation. My MIL almost does the same thing to him. My FIL from what I can gather has not been a very ideal husband, and more often than not has not given her any husband-wife kind of love or pleasure,ever. <br />She's having major health problems, caused mainly because of her refusal to follow doctor's advice, and doesn't keep well a lot. Whenever we've tried to make them come and stay with us it has resulted in a major fiasco, with similar situations like; we can't go out anywhere, she can't stand my husband spending time with me, she wants him at her beck and call all the time, etc. I guess she doesn't like us getting the love and attention she didn't get.<br />My husband is appreciatively firm in this regard. I have a bro-in-law who runs every time she calls him, but my husband doesn't. He empathizes with her but knows what an acting queen she can be. Morever he also understands that I can't keep trying all the time and expects me to listen to her only for as long as she's in front of me.<br />In this case, I think the marriage would hit a rocky patch if things don't change quickly. Like Preeti said, sending her to her relatives or native isn't all that bad an idea. It'll be good for her. She may go and bitch about you there, but there's precious little you can do about it anyway. In a different country she might find it tough to adjust, but her own place will make her calmer and wiser, I hope. <br /> Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36418670.post-4484777491602248682013-06-23T07:47:14.688+05:302013-06-23T07:47:14.688+05:30Great insight preeti,..I think you are totally rig...Great insight preeti,..I think you are totally right about the pent up emotions in letter writer (LW) 's mom. She has struggled a lot and has perhaps missed the fun or happiness in the way and is not able to accept it in her son's and daughter in law's life thereby creating problems in their life..Same was the case with my aunt and she would silently bear with everything..<br />I think what I would like to suggest is trying to involve her in some activity like yoga or meditation where she would have to listen to someone else's instruction and in the long run would be able to calm herself.. may be you can also encourage her to find some friends for herself of her same age group and have fun with them like go for a short trip without you guys and enjoy her life.. I really don't know how much of my suggestions are helpful but what I think is all these might encourage her to get over her bitterness and frustrations and perhaps help her to enjoy life today...simple girl.....https://www.blogger.com/profile/03118562407633534338noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36418670.post-32618346159131418322013-06-23T07:42:24.191+05:302013-06-23T07:42:24.191+05:30feel the mother has too much of emotional baggage ... feel the mother has too much of emotional baggage which she doesn't know how to handle. If necessary it is better to take the help of a counciller. I don't mean she has a mental problem but i feel she definitely needs some professional help. May be i am wrong. Chyavan Mallyahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17405919453615548611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36418670.post-48896750173035174862013-06-23T07:41:44.806+05:302013-06-23T07:41:44.806+05:30This comment has been removed by the author.simple girl.....https://www.blogger.com/profile/03118562407633534338noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36418670.post-21698239564307910742013-06-22T17:45:25.681+05:302013-06-22T17:45:25.681+05:30This comment has been removed by the author.GBhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02055567426266966695noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36418670.post-23400169228629458052013-06-22T16:36:13.557+05:302013-06-22T16:36:13.557+05:30dear, sir
i can understand how much you l...dear, sir<br /> i can understand how much you love your mom and your wife the only thing you need to do is to take a conversation with your mom and make her understand how much you love & admire her try to be very clear in your views....like preeti mam said your mom is depressed in sadness of losing your father and still she hasn't came out of it and she is afraid to lose you to your wife so she is trying to keep a hold of you by her stubbornness...hold you mom hand and make her understand how much she means to you and no matter whatever happens you will never let her go.....if you provide a harsh environment to your mother by asking her to leave to kerala you will not only going to hurt mom but you will spoil your wife's name in your mother's heart....no problem is without a solution.....sit and talk to your mother everything will be fine..............................sry if my words weren't good for you... FOXhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12292752574194084769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36418670.post-64629542626963763782013-06-22T14:19:28.427+05:302013-06-22T14:19:28.427+05:30Take "Blame" out of the equation! You...Take "Blame" out of the equation! You're all adults and you're sharing the same world, from three angles! For the desired harmony, communication is the key! Everyone needs to have an equal say and deserve equal respect, as adults you are capable of communicating without the need for childish dramas.<br />Take your wife and mum out for a nice meal and talk. A public place will help dim the possibility of a big blow out and give you the chance to actually talk and listen.<br />See your world from both your wife and mother's angle...hear how it is from them, do not assume anything! Share your views also...and once you've all seen the bigger picture and realise how wonderful your world is...you can make a promise to one another to be happy and enjoy this beautiful world.<br />All of your mum's struggles and hardships whilst raising you single handedly will pay off with every smile and laughter you all share together. It sounds like you've all worked very very very hard for a secure and happy future...well...this is it my friends! Enjoy it!<br />God Bless You All :-)<br />My best wishes are also with you :-)Shabinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15883424219112646186noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36418670.post-12488844548988661782013-06-22T13:28:33.774+05:302013-06-22T13:28:33.774+05:30I think it is a case of boredom, does your mother ...I think it is a case of boredom, does your mother enjoy staying in middle-east? What about her friends and community back home? she misses them? What does she do in her spare time? I think she might be doing all this to get your attention. If I were you I would talk to her, say to her you want to listen to all she has to say. Though confrontation is difficult it does yield results provided you are ready to listen. Give her the benefit of doubt, she is your mother, surely she wants you to be happy. One can give what he/she has, if she is filled with negative emotions you shouldn't expect her to be all kind and understanding and I think saying a firm No might blow up the things more. So you are providing for her, well-done and she must appreciate that, but she sacrificed a lot of things when you and your sister were little, i think its her time to enjoy.<br /><br />When she finds joy in her life I am very confident she would leave you two alone. <br /><br />Good luck :)<br /><br />PS for Preeti: I am loving Blog Marathon and thank you for all that you do. Tanuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02561320759242175667noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36418670.post-77880762691863591952013-06-22T10:00:51.788+05:302013-06-22T10:00:51.788+05:30Life is all about understanding. I can't say y...Life is all about understanding. I can't say you are right always but with identifying the root cause we can solve many of the problems. All we need is proper understaning. You have some duty towards your mother. I am not sure how much she likes being outside India. May be her desire is to go back and live in India which is causing all these trouble and she does not want to tell this as she pretends you understand everything. So my suggestion will be to have a through discussion and try to find the issue and then you will be happy. No need to favour eaither your mother or wife , both are your part of your life so try to solve the puzzle and you will be happpy.sakihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03356702309046407037noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36418670.post-68791125884162078002013-06-22T09:38:04.203+05:302013-06-22T09:38:04.203+05:30fundamentally. appreciate the women who has been b...fundamentally. appreciate the women who has been brave in difficult situations and handled th responsibility so well.<br />it seems that wife has done everything to have peace with his mom and make life better.<br />but any person for that matter cant take the nags the fights daily.she is sensible and understandable for sure. on the other hand his mom has done everything for son's upbringing and might be she is very insecured about certain things in her life as she has been alone althrough her life.probably she hasn't shared much of her emotions and thats an emotional outburts that makes her behave this way.<br />i feel its high time that both live independently and visit each other in occasions. that would be better. but how the son'e makes her agree to this to bring about a peace is in his hand. 1000 people say 1000 things here but he got to act for himself.<br />finally appreciate Preeti ma'm for her frank suggestions. she is really inspiring<br />Keep learning, keep acheiving, keep inspiring<br />cheers.<br />Supreetideasbysuphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04009921998173230193noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36418670.post-44204144901877294722013-06-22T08:20:23.933+05:302013-06-22T08:20:23.933+05:30I think may be mom is suffering from mental illnes...I think may be mom is suffering from mental illness? May be.Just thinking aloud.After going through so much at her young age, she must have bottled up everything within her... loneliness, insecurities, desires, troubles she went through, frustration, etc. She is a human. Everybody has different way of handling problems and issues. Here, she is not able to and thus picks up fight every now and then. She can't see you going out with your wife because she hasn't been able to enjoy life much. It's frustration, jealousy. It cannot go long way, cannot continue like this and make all lives miserable including hers. It could help talking to a Psychiatrist. Many a times this is not considered thinking we don't have any such problems. Such therapies may help...by talking. Please don't take it other way. I am just thinking of possibilities. You have to take care of her, yet stop the negativity,fights and welcome peace in your life too. Every individual deserves it. I am single. I may not have experienced this personally but have a best friend who went through a lot after her marriage and can completely relate to your wife. I know every nitty-gritty detail and life was hell for my friend. Son didnt know why is this happening. They were ok till now. He decided firmly, bought another home for himself and moved out with his wife. But he moved out closeby (just 10mins away) He had consulted Psychiatrist and found they had mental illness,more so with his unmarried sis. Being jealous of his wife and becoming insecure that they will lose their person. The treatment continued and they lived in separate homes. I am sharing this because even he couldn't leave his mom or unmarried sis since their father had died at an early age. He was the only support for them. At the same time, he loved his wife dearly too. He had to think from everyone's perspective. But he did it with heavy heart. He visited them everyday since they were close-by and the issue slowly started resolving...so much so that mom-in-law begged my friend to forgive her. Took couple of years...they realised after living separately. Then they used to have a happy get-together once in a while and everybody tried living their life in their own world. Just because mom-in-law asked forgiveness, they didn't start living together (point to be noted). They continued living separately and life became good. Hence there is nothing wrong to consider options of happiness and peace for yourself, your wife and may be ultimately your mom too. Like Preeti madam said you haven't given details of your sibling,etc. But I think now you can figure out the best solution.<br />My friend's story seemed to be a similar situation when I read your story. I could empathise your wife's situation with hers. Hence shared. <br /><br />All our best wishes are with you and your family. May God shower you joy, peace and love. <br /><br />Good luck and cheers,<br />LakshmiLakshmi Ahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06614743769930643842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36418670.post-36856879767073007182013-06-22T08:18:59.891+05:302013-06-22T08:18:59.891+05:30I think may be mom is suffering from mental illnes...I think may be mom is suffering from mental illness? May be.Just thinking aloud.After going through so much at her young age, she must have bottled up everything within her... loneliness, insecurities, desires, troubles she went through, frustration, etc. She is a human. Everybody has different way of handling problems and issues. Here, she is not able to and thus picks up fight every now and then. She can't see you going out with your wife because she hasn't been able to enjoy life much. It's frustration, jealousy. It cannot go long way, cannot continue like this and make all lives miserable including hers. It could help talking to a Psychiatrist. Many a times this is not considered thinking we don't have any such problems. Such therapies may help...by talking. Please don't take it other way. I am just thinking of possibilities. You have to take care of her, yet stop the negativity,fights and welcome peace in your life too. Every individual deserves it. I am single. I may not have experienced this personally but have a best friend who went through a lot after her marriage and can completely relate to your wife. I know every nitty-gritty detail and life was hell for my friend. Son didnt know why is this happening. They were ok till now. He decided firmly, bought another home for himself and moved out with his wife. But he moved out closeby (just 10mins away) He had consulted Psychiatrist and found they had mental illness,more so with his unmarried sis. Being jealous of his wife and becoming insecure that they will lose their person. The treatment continued and they lived in separate homes. I am sharing this because even he couldn't leave his mom or unmarried sis since their father had died at an early age. He was the only support for them. At the same time, he loved his wife dearly too. He had to think from everyone's perspective. But he did it with heavy heart. He visited them everyday since they were close-by and the issue slowly started resolving...so much so that mom-in-law begged my friend to forgive her. Took couple of years...they realised after living separately. Then they used to have a happy get-together once in a while and everybody tried living their life in their own world. Just because mom-in-law asked forgiveness, they didn't start living together (point to be noted). They continued living separately and life became good. Hence there is nothing wrong to consider options of happiness and peace for yourself, your wife and may be ultimately your mom too. Like Preeti madam said you haven't given details of your sibling,etc. But I think now you can figure out the best solution.<br />My friend's story seemed to be a similar situation when I read your story. I could empathise your wife's situation with hers. Hence shared. <br /><br />All our best wishes are with you and your family. May God shower you joy, peace and love. <br /><br />Good luck and cheers,<br />LakshmiLakshmi Ahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06614743769930643842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36418670.post-19838952770886019002013-06-22T03:41:03.946+05:302013-06-22T03:41:03.946+05:30Some ppl vent out their frustrations with unnecess...Some ppl vent out their frustrations with unnecessary fights and nagging. It is difficult to change a persons personality after a certain age. Suggest ur wife to take up a job. This will keep all 3 of you busy and engaged. Tell you mom that your wedding is at danger. An understnding mom should coperate. Join some community service group as per your taste. They have several weekend programs and events . Join the toastmaster groups as a couple. This shall help to enhance your public speaking skill, at the same time go out with your wife in the evenings. Keep making urself busy as well as your family by taking up further education chances, social functions, family outings without leaving a gap for fights which usually develops when you sit inside four walls of a flat life. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14585089579321748269noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36418670.post-23421578278965858602013-06-22T03:29:06.191+05:302013-06-22T03:29:06.191+05:30This comment has been removed by the author.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14585089579321748269noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36418670.post-43176131705148268282013-06-22T02:57:57.024+05:302013-06-22T02:57:57.024+05:30As already said the root cause for such a behavior...As already said the root cause for such a behavior is definitely suppressed emotions and anger due to the tragic events in life and tough life thereafter. And natural healing does wonders in such cases e.g, reiki, hypnotherapy etc. I have experienced it in my life and seen in others also. Such therapies change your life. If the sender can convince her mom to go through such form healing i guess the core issue would be addressed and life would be much simpler and happier. Embrace reiki and live life with love and happiness.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14432879080599860479noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36418670.post-53885808838374639952013-06-21T23:58:41.602+05:302013-06-21T23:58:41.602+05:30I really feel bad for the victims in such kind of ...I really feel bad for the victims in such kind of scenarios... :( <br />God help them all!! $un$hinĪ£https://www.blogger.com/profile/03457729719561567623noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36418670.post-79698894997410557332013-06-21T23:40:07.199+05:302013-06-21T23:40:07.199+05:30A difficult situation really. I think his mother i...A difficult situation really. I think his mother is too much demanding and as ma'am you have said sending her to a different place will help. Probably try to convince her to take up some activity to keep herself occupied. The comment above by Kavya also stresses upon the things which I would favour in this situation. Explain everything with calmness and a bit of persuasiveness. Also, Tell her straight away that negativism and constant bickering is not helping anyone's cause and it would be better for her to divert her energies towards something which might take them on the road to happiness. Some spiritual lessons thrown in will also help.<br />I think you are an awesome individual. You and your wife are really good human beings. I hope that this is resolved quickly. May God bless you with loads of happiness.!! <br />Pratik Mantrihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06731819859400797105noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36418670.post-78330543149658634232013-06-21T23:36:14.276+05:302013-06-21T23:36:14.276+05:30If he has a sister, my first suggestion would be f...If he has a sister, my first suggestion would be for his mom to spend some time during the year with her, and for the sister to pick up responsibility too of caring for the mom in her old age. <br /><br />Next would be to talk about boundaries when living under one roof. When you live together, there needs to be a clear communication of what is acceptable and what counts as interference. This needs to happen at both ends. <br /><br />Shachihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05008713817905152623noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36418670.post-74039450509014194432013-06-21T23:22:30.580+05:302013-06-21T23:22:30.580+05:30dont think too much shit abt them.....they will do...dont think too much shit abt them.....they will do great...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36418670.post-79455072621397269292013-06-21T22:39:44.343+05:302013-06-21T22:39:44.343+05:30Sunshine---Yes I hear you totally. I too have seen...Sunshine---Yes I hear you totally. I too have seen mothers who are kind of jealous about the intimacy and love between a couple.Preeti Shenoyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01626823872300694608noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36418670.post-61386721293921525562013-06-21T22:38:28.426+05:302013-06-21T22:38:28.426+05:30oh no :(
Old age homes are sad, i feel.
Retiremen...oh no :(<br />Old age homes are sad, i feel.<br /><br />Retirement communities (where each person is totally independent with their own home) are still okay and acceptable.Preeti Shenoyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01626823872300694608noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36418670.post-58363264224199340682013-06-21T22:34:16.756+05:302013-06-21T22:34:16.756+05:30Thank you so much for the comment Vasu. Much appre...Thank you so much for the comment Vasu. Much appreciate.<br /><br />Folks--Vasu is someone whose wisdom and views I respect a lot. She was my senior at school.Preeti Shenoyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01626823872300694608noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36418670.post-46089643974058669872013-06-21T22:33:06.891+05:302013-06-21T22:33:06.891+05:30I have seen such kind of mothers in real. No offen...I have seen such kind of mothers in real. No offense to his mother, but the case which I am talking about is about a women who kind of enjoy the separation between the couple. But in this case, I really think that the sender has gone too far for his mother and its not easy to draw himself back from that place. But dear sender, you have your own life too and please do fix that before it gets ruin... The only solution for these kind of situation is talking and that too very politely. Talking in a manner that you don't offend your mom. Try to explain things to her from the very beginning and make her understand your current situation either in a way which Preeti Mam has already suggested or a way which suits you the best. Showing your frustration and irritation won't help at all. If you think that she will understand by your anger then its not gonna happen that way... You need to talk to her before it gets on to your marriage... Try harder, its not impossible, she is a human being too... :)$un$hinĪ£https://www.blogger.com/profile/03457729719561567623noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36418670.post-70099744629719703002013-06-21T22:29:47.974+05:302013-06-21T22:29:47.974+05:30A very difficult situation, indeed. I wanted to as...A very difficult situation, indeed. I wanted to ask, what was your mother's profession ? Is she passionate about anything?? If she was interested in music, help her with some good music of her choice..music can certainly change one's state of mind..but yeah..one needs to have a flair for music or any art for that matter, but I strongly feel every person is blessed with some positives at least...if she is a challenging person and is not very old, ask her to attend some spiritual sessions which could bring peace withing herself and to all at your place or even some new course where she could learn something new! <br />I hope your mom turns out to be a more open-minded lady...I have a feeling she certainly will :) lots of respect to your wife and to you! You haven't failed in your duties that is what is your greatness :) May lord bless your family..and may your house and hearts be filled with peace,love,happiness,positive vibes,laughter and lots joy! (my heartfelt wishes) :) <br /><br />Love,<br />Kavya Kavya Mysorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05484200520887239333noreply@blogger.com