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5 major deal breakers in friendships (post 29)

Much has been said about the warmth of friendship and the comfort a good one brings. Friends are the family we choose for ourselves.
 However, friendships do break, despite your best intentions to be 'forever friends'.

If you are anything like me, I am guessing you would take your friendships seriously.  I do and am fortunate to be blessed with some fantastic friends. But, I have of course, had my share of friendships breaking--sometimes because of bad choices I made or sometimes, because some things are a complete NO-NO for me, when it comes to friendships. They are the deal-breakers.



Here are my list of deal-breakers (in the order of importance for me)

1.Fair weather friend: If a friend speaks to you, only for 'good times' and isn't there for you, when you are down, and need a shoulder to cry on, then he/she is obviously a fair-weather friend. Dump them, You deserve better.



2.Put-you down friend:  Then there is that friend, who plays down all your successes/ achievements. When you share something wonderful that happened to you, they say stuff like 'Oh that's nothing..There is this person I know who.....' and they go on to dazzle you with the brilliance of what this person did. If this happens more than five times with a 'friend' then it is time to move on.

3.I-will-keep-in-touch-only-when-i-have-something-to-say friend : There are some people who remain super-busy and unreachable all the time, that you want to speak to them. Then out of the blue, when they have something to tell you, they call you up to rant/share. You listen to them patiently and then when you want to speak to them about something in your life, they become unreachable and busy again. Not worth holding on to such a friend.

4. The selfish friend: This is a combination of 1, 2 and 3. Awful! Dump!

5.I will-not-share-my-stuff-but-you-share-yours-and-I-will-listen friend: There is this breed of 'friends' who are 'information gatherers'.This especially happens if the friendship is 'professional turned personal'. They want your friendship, as they want to know what is going on in your lives, as it may affect them professionally. This kind of friend is very good at eliciting information out of you. You don't even realise you have told them a lot of stuff. Then, when you ask them about their life, they clamp up and change the topic. They keep their cards completely closed, while you have opened all yours and made yourself vulnerable. Personally I detest people who make me feel vulnerable and powerless. I would run the other way from such a friend.

A friend is supposed to make you feel good. A friend is non-judgmental, supportive of the choices you make. A friend values you, values your time and values the relationship you share. A friend may admonish you, but it would be free of malice, and trust me, you would know the difference between someone who genuinely cares and someone who is just saying stuff in 'guise of a friend' to bring you down.

The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that life would be simpler and easier, if you get rid of these 'friends' who aren't helping you grow, who are there only to take from you and give nothing in return.

The mobile company sure got it wrong when they said 'har ek friend zaroori hota hai'.

What are the friendship deal-breakers for you?
If you care to share, I am listening. I would love to know.




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Comments

  1. Your post came at the right time for me..Struck the chord and touched exactly where it hurts. You COMPLETELY understand what I mean..I guess we all have atleast one friend who falls into one of the categories you mentioned. I just 'dumped' a friend before reading this post and the reason.. combination of all 5! It's really good to have deleted them instead of following as if only "you" want to be in a relationship.

    The biggest deal breaker for me is - Self respect. Once you realize the fact that someone's crushing your self respect, better to flush them out of your life and walk away with a smile!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes..Dumping someone can be hard to do, as we are all conditioned to do things that make us popular, and 'liked'.
      But if a relationship of friendship is causing more harm than good, it is time to let go and not feel bad about it.

      Delete
    2. I'm not too sure about the dumping part :-/ It's definitely wise to know yourself and know what you're instincts are telling you about another person. However, if you dump a friend because S/He judges you...then it can be said that you have dumped them because you have passed your own judgement!
      Acceptance is the key!
      To accept who you are and to accept who they are ;-)
      There are over 8 billion people in this world...one must always ask "Why has this person come into my life?" Good or Bad...the reason is there to help you to grow! Or maybe it's the other way round...you are the one who's gone into their life for a reason that will help them grow!?! By dumping them...we could potentially be missing out on something :-/
      My advise would be to set yourself a good filter system.
      Make a curriculum vitae for your friends. Start with your name and email address.
      Then have a brief summary about yourself.
      Followed by your past achievements...bringing you to your current standing in life.
      And "references available at request"!
      Variety is the spice of life!
      If you like bland...then stick to just a few good friends.
      If you like spice...then mix it all up and enjoy!
      Once you have firmly established what is a "yes" and what is a "no" in your life...you will no longer find the need to dump anyone :-) if anything...you could be the one being dumped :-/ either way...you win!
      Stay happy everyone! It's as much your world as it is anyone else's ;-)
      Be good to yourself!

      Delete
    3. I'm not too sure about the dumping part :-/ It's definitely wise to know yourself and know what you're instincts are telling you about another person. However, if you dump a friend because S/He judges you...then it can be said that you have dumped them because you have passed your own judgement!
      Acceptance is the key!
      To accept who you are and to accept who they are ;-)
      There are over 8 billion people in this world...one must always ask "Why has this person come into my life?" Good or Bad...the reason is there to help you to grow! Or maybe it's the other way round...you are the one who's gone into their life for a reason that will help them grow!?! By dumping them...we could potentially be missing out on something :-/
      My advise would be to set yourself a good filter system.
      Make a curriculum vitae for your friends. Start with your name and email address.
      Then have a brief summary about yourself.
      Followed by your past achievements...bringing you to your current standing in life.
      And "references available at request"!
      Variety is the spice of life!
      If you like bland...then stick to just a few good friends.
      If you like spice...then mix it all up and enjoy!
      Once you have firmly established what is a "yes" and what is a "no" in your life...you will no longer find the need to dump anyone :-) if anything...you could be the one being dumped :-/ either way...you win!
      Stay happy everyone! It's as much your world as it is anyone else's ;-)
      Be good to yourself!

      Delete
  2. Mam!
    Yet another awesome post from you!!
    It was really great and im really thanking you for the valuable comments...
    U know what! I'm in good position (don't think like Ratan Tata or Preeti Shenoy and all #ha ha ha).. I'm an ordinary Engineer.. This is all happened, just because of my friend... He fed me right thinks at right time (just like you)... It just remind my friend and his character.... Hope im lucky enough to have such friend... Thanks for bringing back breeze memories.....

    Cheers,
    Prabhu...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am also very ordinary when compared to Ratan Tata :) Glad you liked my post :)
      Thanks :)

      Delete
  3. just THE best piece of work relating to the friends. :-) am very happy reading it, thanks for the post :-)

    ReplyDelete
  4. i like your posts and hate them , mixed feelings at same moment, strange!!. I like them for being very true and which you can find happening around, and I dislike them for the fact that i have read a similar post else where !! anyways at the end , a good post preeti :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Life is too short to read anything you dislike Sayi! :)

      And damn--I thought I was being original ;-)

      Delete
  5. I felt bad when friends are only choosing free ways like watsapp! now a days no personal call , everything is online and if you are not part of it than you lose contact...I called twice or thrice my friends but I am not getting any response from them ,than I had stopped calling too..i feel that there is no personal touch...I am not feeling good to contact any friend than without any purpose like birthday wishes..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I so agree.
      There is something called 'real' meetings and 'real catching up over coffee' face to face which any day beats whatsapp and facetime.

      Delete
  6. For me even relatives with the above qualities are worth dumping..as there are some of them who make you feel powerless and vulnerble

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes jyotsna..The post is applicable to all people--friends or relatives.

      Delete
  7. Ma'am your an INSPIRATION!!! :)

    I love your blog and your books. <3

    This post has come like a life-changing moment for me. Now i understand few things more clearly than i used to before. I was having a issue with my 2 friends 'P' and 'S' well you see we 3 have been really close in school, but after school i have managed to stay in touch with both of them and they both are always there for me in happy times as well as the bad ones. But somehow P and S drifted apart from each other after school and in 7 years after school they have completely lost touch with each other. Initially i used to update P and S of whats happening in each others life on their request but then i really got irritated with it and told them i wont do this any more and if you guys want to know whats happening YOU-GET-IN-TOUCH....

    And a few days back S told me that she wants to get back like old times with P and i was more than happy because a small part in me even after all these years wanted to get them together (Its not like i haven't tried getting them back together after school but somehow they always canceled the plan to meet up, so i always landed up meeting them individually and catch up.)

    So i told P that S wants to meet up and she has taken your new number (and i did apologies to P for giving S her number because she freaked out and told me WHY?!! did i do that... well after talking to her and explaining what S told me P cooled down and she forgive me... ) But she made it very clear that she does not want to do anything with S. And getting back together with S is like a strict NO for her.

    In the meanwhile S whats-app P but as stubborn as P can be she did not replay to any of S messages.

    I was really disturbed by this sudden change of events because i really got used to the fact that P and S will never get in touch with each other. But now all of a sudden S mind and heart changes and i really cant help her out with this... so the situation hangs like that for now...

    But your this Post has made me realized that P and S has been like the 5 points you mentioned in this post after school... and may be that's the reason they drifted apart... S tells me she just want to get back with P.... And P tells me S definitely has some work with her... and i am just to fed up with both of them in this matter!!! and i really don't know what to do.... but i know 1 thing for sure that unless they both or (S) take some initiative this situation will just stay the same.

    Please keep updating your blog with such inspiring post because they always make me understands things from different perspective and make me think :) :)

    lots of love
    Amanpreet

    P.S --- i know its a really big comment i'm posting.... But i really had to tell somebody.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hear you!!
      You really cannot do anything much about P and S
      They have to sort it out themselves.

      Delete
  8. Jealousy breaks friends. I have seen happening this since years. When there are triplets involved in a friendship, there is something wrong bound to happen. Anyone of them will start beating drums on both the sides and creating confusion. The same happens when one girl and two boys are involved in a friendship or two girls or one boy is involved.
    Dear Preeti, According to me, If you really want to keep the flame of friendship burning and never let it die, you can surely do it. It totally depends on you and on the way, how you keep it. Though, it also depends on the other friend and it's a mutual thing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes--I so agree about jealousy.

      Delete
  9. Well said Preeti and then there are so called 'friends' who laugh with you and later behind ur back bitch about u. Some friends enjoy degrading other friends like a sadist!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes..the two faced kind. You don't know which face to slap first :)

      Delete
    2. hahahah...nice one!!

      Delete
  10. We'll said preeti... I hope ur next book will have more about friendship...I'm waiting for it.. Is it ready???

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is about unrequited love--about getting over break-ups :) It will be out in a few months!!

      Delete
  11. Hi priti,
    Just now im dealing with same kind of situation, One of my friend has suddenly started enjoying bad company and started avoiding me . I tried my best to educate her but now i leave all Upto god ...Surely i will not dump her , i will alwz be there but no more efforts as it will lead to pointless discussion ....Hope she will realize her mistakes soon. Love ur blog...awesome and as usual connecting directly to heart ....Keep rocking

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks a lot Shika and hope your friend comes back. Ultimately it is the choices she makes..Nobody is responsible for another's life-choices.

      Delete
  12. Nice one :) I can actually relate to those kinds with right instances :) Again a very good post preethi :) :) Well done _/\_

    ReplyDelete
  13. As i was reading your post , i was reminded of my past friendships.I was very shy in my college days and hardly any friendsand hangouts etc.But hen i sarte working, i felt independent, confident and started shedding my shyness and mingle more.But then I too had my share of the above mentioned 1, 2 , 3& 5 types of friends.Unfortunately i dint have the confidence in myself to say 'NO'. I always doubted myself,saying may be i am not good, may be i am harsh/unreasonable that is why she/he behaved so...There was a time i couldn't differntiate the line between being used and me being a helping hand, listening ear. Over time around year and half and later too, i felt lot creepy in those relations and fortunately grew out of them over time. I told myself , 'Its okay not to have any friends,I have my family,biggest and forever support' and i did stop going to their so called 'meet ups'. I only realised later ,they in the name of having fun and being friendly , just fancied going out to coffees with a lovely girls and post pictures on orkut to boast about a great happening weekends among their circles and boost their ego.
    ThankGod i could let go off such people and in the mean time sweetest things have happened in life and now have friends not just peer groups,but different regions cultures and age groups :)
    I would also like to mention that , when i recently read you books, bubblegums and candies , you have mentioned that when your father expired, your frns would just sign out, or stop answering and went away just like that. I felt that being used does not happen because we are weak or something wrong, its the other person's real face we get to see.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes--best to let go of toxic friendships.

      Delete
  14. Interesting post Preeti!!

    Some people (unfortunately, sometimes, they're very close to you) pretend that they care for you a lot (!!) but mislead you indirectly, creating disturbance in your life...it's better to keep distance, no matter how close they are...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tarang--That is so darn true!! I have experienced it and you said it like it is!!

      Delete
  15. An interesting and very useful post Preeti.
    Betrayal would be a major deal breaker to me. Sometimes when we share secrets with our friends and they spit it out(some do it wantedly, others ignorantly say it away) to someone who ought not to know it. This might not sound serious to some, but when we trust someone and confide in them, to help us emotionally, and they can't hold their tongue, despite knowing that we wouldn't like any one else to know it.
    This happened to me last year and I dont understand how I felt that hate towards that person who has been supportive and pretty close(not much though) for 4 years. It made me so embarrassed as that person did not let me know that it was known to few others. I got it confirmed from that 'friend' if it was true and the next thing I did -- did not bother to reply. well, it was over. I can't seem to feel the care n friendliness I used to feel towards this friend, it seems to be out of my control. Regret from their part can't change things anyway. So I moved on with my life.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Well preethi I have had my fair share of break up with my friends..All these happened in past 4 months..When I broke up with one friend slowly everyone in my gang started distancing themselves from me..Thats when I realized alot..Today I have got people but still their memories haunt me and when I pass them as a gang together they still look down at me..Its taking me time to overcome them..And your post is served as a eye opener for me..

    ReplyDelete
  17. A deal breaker for me is when they try to make the decisions for us and eventually try to make us dependent on them. Then there are these people who talk to us because they just need a friend like in a group of 8-9 guys there are just 2 girls including me and them they stick along because they don't have a choice. I don't make friends with them. I am ok to be in a all-guys-no-girls group and so I don't want a person who seeks my friendship because they need a girl friend so they don't feel awkward. Out of all the reasons I can keep telling the whole day I definitely hate it when I am the last resort. These people come to you when they run out of all the choices. Oh! please, never ever have that person in your life they are simply not worth it.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Very interesting post to which we all can relate. A deal breaker for me is point 3 in the post. Also my experience is girls don't turn to be good friends to each other, particularly after marriage. I agree we have lot of stuff and responsibilities than men. Still this can't justify to break the deal of friendship.

    http://indrayani-oneofyou.blogspot.ae/

    ReplyDelete
  19. Hi preeti,
    I read ur post thrice..and could count how many ppl I have had in my life who fall in all these categories. Long list I must say. Had my share of experiences which I would not want to forget...bcos that keep me alert for the future.

    Luckily I found my husband during one of those many experiences n day turned out to be a deal maker if sorts...

    I love ur work n respect u a lot...would want to meet up personally sometimes...

    ReplyDelete
  20. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  21. 1. Been there, and dumped!
    2. Been there, and dumped!
    3. Been there, and dumped! [Painful]
    4. Been there, and dumped!! [Had no choice :( ]
    5. Been there, and dumped!!!

    Am I dumb or what? :D

    I have one more category of "friend" to add, though they should not be called that at all. It's the "collector". This one piles up acquaintances or 'contacts' in guise of friendship and shows them off or their achievement/stories with other friends/group of friends, thereby establishing his/her own cleverness/geniality/contact or whatever they are trying to establish. I am not sure if I have been able to paint the right picture...I hope you get the idea!

    As always, great post, Preeti!

    ReplyDelete
  22. nice post ma'am. i'd like to share something with u though i've never been with such friends after getting to know that they are just trying to pull me down. but there is this girl in class whom no matter what does to me, no matter she always busy when i need her n never receive my calls n calls me wen only she needs help from me. i've tried to say no to her many times but to no avail. i always end up helping her n get disappointed wen she doesn't even appreciate what i had done for. i feel like being used every time but still i do help her wen she asks me for help.....

    ReplyDelete
  23. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Nice post. I should say my favorite one in your blog marathon.

    It is unfortunate that people whom I considered my friends are not really friends at all. I have been close to two people for almost most of my life.
    In your classification one falls in the category 4. She actually makes me feel useless and foolish most of the time.

    The other falls in category no.5.Calls once in a blue moon when she wants to talk or when she wants some information.Never ever shares anything about herself.


    Now I know why always felt I didn't have any real friends.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Jiske saath khush raho, hasi mazaak karo, wohi dost hain, why to expect anything from anybody. But I do agree with the mobile jingle "har ek friend zaroori hota hain..." ek friend ka nature pataa chalegaa, tabhi to dusre ka importance pataa chalega. Secondly if you find anybody like minded extend the hand of friendship, take out time to talk to them, and dont keep any chapters closed. Enjoying and cherishing the company is important, phir chai ka paisaa kaun degaa uss par ladaai nahi honi chahiye. :--- Jui Sohani-Atlanta-Georgia

    ReplyDelete
  26. who is perfect in world, no one can act according to our expectations. only we fail to understand them & expect too much. In today's context friendship means just to be social. If we look closely one can have 1 or 2 good friends only, having more is just a status. friendship can not be made it has to happen and its very rare.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Preeti! I differ!! For me, once friend, is a friend for life. I do not make friends to get happiness, because my experience has shown: it is within. Dr J D Bapat

    ReplyDelete
  28. Do i need ask for permissions before sharing your posts...?¿? I love each and every post u make... As a matter of fact i love everythin u do.. Your books, your arts.. Everythin is fascinating.. I've no words to describe how aesthetic i felt afte readin this... :)
    my friends meant the world to me but i had to let go of them under certain circumstances.. I'm sharing this for my friends...

    ReplyDelete
  29. I have of course, had my share of friendships dating breaking--sometimes because of bad choices I made or sometimes,

    ReplyDelete
  30. great mam!!! U r giving exactly what we want!!!
    U r inspiration for youths....

    ReplyDelete

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