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On fickle friendships and people who walk away. Blog marathon post 5

Madhuri and me

A friend of mine and fellow Author Madhuri Banerjee (who wrote 'Losing my virginity and other dumb ideas') wrote this very thought provoking post on friendships in her blog. Interestingly, I had the exact same experience as Madhuri, for almost all of my book launches.

A lot of my fans and readers attended my launches (and I was very happy they did). But the people I considered 'my  very good friends' did not. And it wasn't as though I had not communicated to them how much having them there means to me, and it wasn't as though they had an extremely pressing reason for not attending. There were absolutely no excuses given too nor a call or a text asking how the launches went. They were at home, they chose not to attend as they felt it was 'too much of a bother'.

Mayank and me at the Pune launch




Some of my good friends did make an extra effort to attend and I felt grateful for their presence. (One friend came all the way from Chennai to attend my Bangalore launch, and another drove all the way from Mumbai to attend my Pune Launch).





It made me wonder for a long time, if I am judging a friendship based on one particular incident of attending or not attending an event, that meant the world to me.

I thought a lot,  drew some conclusions, made some decisions and moved on. Honestly that is all one can do.

You cannot predict how a person will behave tomorrow. My rock-solid dependable pals are truly very few--ones I can count on my finger tips.

That is why when Madhuri says
"It’s a strange universe of fickle friendships."
and

"  Friends moved on. New people through twitter came into my life. They were tweeple. They weren’t friends. Old friends found new friends. Then I was alone. I wondered if I had “invested” enough? Hadn’t I done what was needed to rely on them? Or was it another expectation from life that was being tested for me to understand that one cannot have ANY expectation. That maybe “friends” are like the weather. You can’t predict when they’ll be sunny and when they’ll be moody."
I tend to agree one hundred percent.


Strangely, one of my earliest posts  written in 2006, was about friends walking away when I needed them the most.  I was not a published author then. I was merely a hurt, shattered soul, trying to find some solace. (read the said post for a brilliant  piece of writing on people in your lives for a reason, season or lifetime, by Brian Chalker)

Today I seek the same answers, when I am at a great point in my career. (three books behind me, all best-sellers, working on fourth)

Why do people behave the way they do? It is because they have their reasons which make sense and seem fair to them, inside their heads.

You cannot change that. You cannot make someone stay in a friendship if they want to leave.

And today I can say with confidence (and perhaps a certain amount of pride)  that life is really too short to bother about the ones that left. What matters are the ones that are in your life, at this moment.

You can do nothing if people change.

All you can do is make new friendships, or hope like hell that your old rock-solid dependable ones, stay just so.

___________________________________________________________________________


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Comments

  1. Thanks for sharing this..! I have had similar experiences quite a few time now.! It's like my friends were there just now.. I moved on, got success.. Turn back n they aint there anymore.! Maybe it's something got to do with success n jealuosy.! :|

    Well all in all the solution is just to move on.! :)
    With a 'wide' smile
    (err. Not too wide thought) :D

    Thanks anyways for such a beautiful post.! <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. hey Preeti,I really loved this post of yours..Similar incident has happened with me too.Most of my friends have left me. Now, solitude has become my best friend and I have learnt to enjoy this too..Read your book 'Life is what you make it' and I completed it in just one setting:)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hey Preeti.

    I was waiting to read my bedtime story(that is how I have started considering your blog marathon)and mean while dropped to your tumblr. You have some nice posts there on tumblr as well. I loved them.

    Nice post on friendship and friends who sometimes walk away from us. Like you and probably many others, I have had this experience too. It was hard to except at first, but now I know why life is believed to be the best teacher. And this is one of the lessons I have learnt.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Similar experiences but mostly with girls moving out of my life without giving any reasons! :D
    And after reading ur earlier blog mentioning Reasons, Seaons and Lifetime ... now I realize all girls who came into my life were seasonal...atleast that gave me a sense of little satisfaction.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You said it brilliantly..
    Sometimes, I feel its us whoexpect and so we hurt..but then isnt that what friendship is about..give some, take some. But having said that..friends can be fickle..YES!! But its best if we have to move on.."LET GO"

    ReplyDelete
  6. :) - what else can I say! Hugz!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. What you are saying is actually true .I guess we dont think through while making friends. Having said that if we become so skeptical , we may just take away all the fun out of it : )

    ReplyDelete
  8. Completely agree with you. I had the same thoughts as yours and Madhuri.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hey Preeti, Lovely post....Going by the comments above looks like almost everyone has had a similar experience...I feel good that I am not the only one to experience fickle friendship..and yes the best solution is to just Let Go and Move On! :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Preeti,
    Lovely post on friendship..Like everyone's comment I have been there too and often wondered why does it happen ..Most of the time I feel its the responsibilities,lack of time to be in touch and sometimes its just that they have moved on and are more comfortable with the current set of friends that they have that they just forget about you..

    Just happened with me recently and kept wondering about one of my friend who never takes initiative to be in touch for whatever reason and kept wondering if I should make the effort and invest more time to it... Well I realized that its time to move on gracefully and I have done just that...Its difficult but nevertheless you learn...

    ReplyDelete
  11. really wonderful post!Also loved the painting you shared...i could read that painting without reading your explaination!hehe....n also i wrote down your post and the extract you shared...it was like a golden piece of advice i could refer to all my life!!:-)))

    ReplyDelete
  12. Gifts are the projectors of your emotions. No matter how far you are from your loved terms, just a simple gift can put the lights on the dejected faces of them, who have been missing your presence on their special day. A gift actually brings your inner self before them. Visit www.hampersnationwide.com for details.

    ReplyDelete
  13. This is a very thought provoking post. I agree with you - I have a lot of travel buddies, blog buddies and people who I have tea or lunch with at work – but the rock solid- I can – even-call at 3 am friends – like you I can only count them on my fingers ! And it is for these few that I am willing to go to any extent  because I know they will do the same for me! And it does hurt when supposedly “good friends” are not there to share your happiness – I know how you feel coz it has happened to me as well !

    ReplyDelete
  14. Well, I can only say "things happen". Think of that 1 friend you found after searching through the many and you will not feel that sad.

    J :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hi Preeti . Good post about friendship :) But stop think by . What was the thing which made the person love us so much but now to walk away from us . There should be something missing in us now which made them happy in the past . Or probably we dont realise what they are suffering unless we step into their shoes . How many friends we might have ignored without realising that they trust us as "rock solid dependables " . Friendship is not about expectations , or dependence or commitments . Its just sharing . Feel it . Dont expect it .

    Its just my opinion . Not to hurt others feelings . Sorry if am wrong .

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hi Preeti,

    What a beautiful post that you've put here.I used to think that I am the 'weird' one to feel this way coz I'd go out of my way to always be there for my friends. The so- called 'best friends' whom I have usually looked up to are never really there when it matters the most for me and strangely when I am not able to make it to be with them for genuine reasons, they say all kinds of hurtful things about it not attempting to understand that if in anyway I could, I would be there with them though they've never bothered.

    Again, strangely, tweeps have always been a great support for me and an emotional anchor.


    As you mentioned here, life is too short to worry about these friends and how rotten they've made u feel about yourself though they don't give a damn about letting you down at the drop of a hat.

    Thanks for this awesome post.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hota hai, aisa hota. When you succeed, people around you change. No choice but to accept this and move on. Remember the dialogue in 3 idiots, "Human behaviour ke baare me uss din humne kuch jaana, Dost fail ho jaye toh dukh hota hai, lekin dost first aa jaye toh jyada dukh hota hai:))

    ReplyDelete
  18. Could relate well!!!!
    It feels veryy bad when your bestest friend can just disappear for some time giving no explanations watsoever!!!
    Been there! sigh!
    As you said, the only hope are the good old rock solid ones !!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  19. I guess, it is everywhere. I thought this happened only to me... I was even wondering if I was so undesireable that people no longer wanted to stay in touch with me. Going by the comments, it feels normal.

    I don't know what to make of such people, but for sure I find it hard to forget what hurt me.

    ReplyDelete

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