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The shoes fit but they dont feel right.



I took my mom out shopping today. She is visiting me for a few days. By itself, it seems such an insignificant thing. To me it was not. I’m fighting my tears as I type this.

It was always Dad who used to take her out. They have spent 35 years together, and were still very much in love. My dad adored my mom. My mom had to just mention, “I feel like going out today” and my Dad would take out the car (he loved to drive and was excellent behind the wheels) and off they would go. They were like teenagers, even at that age. I loved the way my mom made an effort to look pretty, when it was time for my dad to come back from work. Even after he retired, this ritual would continue. They would sit together, have a cup of tea, laugh, talk and even squabble at times. They hated spending time apart from each other. My mom would blush when my dad told her how pretty she looked.

She is incredibly brave. She is picking up the pieces remarkably. I admire the way she is dealing with her deep grief and helplessness. At the same time, when she is out of sight, I feel so sad that I sometimes break down.

It has been just over a year now, since my dad died.(click on the red words you don’t know the story) A friend asked me if the grief had lessened. I told her that the pain never really goes away. It still feels raw.

When I took my mom out, I told her she looked great. She smiled. We went to a mall. She was happy. She enjoyed the outing. I overheard her calling up her sister, long distance and telling her proudly that I took her out. With my mom, I do a great job of being brave. I joke and make her laugh and console her.

I seemed to have stepped into my dad’s shoes.


They seem to be a perfect fit but I miss him more than ever.

Comments

  1. J: i guess that comment was for my previuos post.This one wasnt meant to be funny. :(

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  2. Nah. That was a smile, to make you smile :) Maybe you need one.

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  3. I am at lose of word, cried reading the post. You are brave, very brave, it must be tough to hide your emotions to make her happy. But at the brighter side, she enjoyed herself, and must have been proud to have you by her side. P, the wound remains for lifelong, but its these emotions, actions and love that makes life worth living. **hugs** take care

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  4. Hi P you have rightly said the shoes do seem to fit more so because a brave & affectionate person like you is wearing it.And with the love you have towards your parents any Mom will be proud to have such a loving & considerate daughter.
    God bless you.

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  5. Hi P brave girl. The shoes fit you perfectly. You are doing a fantastic job of taking care of your Mom`s intrests. Pray god may your tribe increase.Any Mom will be proud to have a daughter like you. & remember your father is inside your heart making you do everything for your mom. God bless you Preeti.

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  6. J: Sometimes i get tired of smiling for everone.On the blog I'm ALLOWED to grieve.Thanks J.

    Misti: I'm okay most of the time--but at times the grief is intense.Thank you my friend.

    R:Thank you so much for your kind words.I'm amazed you know my name--(considering that this is the first time you have left a comment)I'm wondering who R is.Do I know you?

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  7. Oh dear, even feeling sorry for the pain that lasts on, I just cannot help seeing the beauty within your words.

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  8. This is very poigniant Preeti..very moving..I felt the same after my Mum died..she was the perfect complement to my Father..when she was gone..I had to be there for him. Let your tears come.

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  9. I loved ur post about ur dad - my heart broke as I read this but it made me smile as well.

    The memories always live on... :)

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  10. I can imagine your dad's pride in you, helping to pick up the pieces and being strong and smiling for her.

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  11. Oh, that was beautiful.
    Obviously it must be incredibly hard for your Mum, but she had many happy years with your Dad, that I'm sure fill her heart everyday..not with joy, but with love, pure and simple.

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  12. A touching post...got me all teary PS.


    **My mom would blush when my dad told her how pretty she looked.

    thats so beautiful. Im glad she got the chance to feel that way with the man she loved.

    Be happy for the memories sweetie...my mum became a widow at just 39. I dun mean to say ur mum's pain is any less than my mum's...but I think ur parents had a longer happy times together and thats a blessing.

    Ur doing a great job...ur mum is lucky to hv a daughter like u.

    HUGGGGGGGGGGGGZ!
    Keshi.

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  13. Awww...preeti, what can i say to make you feel better...other than a *hug*...that's the thing about grieving for someone, u generally face it alone...

    my dad too is marvellous...he can sense when my mom is down and makes sure he takes her out somewhere nice everyday...and the same with my mom, and now when i'm stupid enuf to look into the future, i get scared 'cos i really don't know how one will ever live without the other...

    hey, read my *tagged* perhaps it will make u smile to see u know such weirdos:)

    take care - suma...

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  14. and may i say, your father would be very proud of his lil girl...

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  15. *a gentle smile on my face* moments like this make the life worth living than anything. You are brave. Hope the shoes give you strength to walk long miles...

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  16. Came by your blog by accident. And actually found myself reading quite a lot of your posts. n loving every minute of it.

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  17. I dont know what to write...

    "pain never really goes away. It still feels raw"
    Only if this line was not true.....

    My eyes are wet.

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  18. vry touchy post.

    n seriously u hv done a great job.

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  19. Hi PS... This is a really touching post. The lonliness your mom must feel is something we can empathise with, but can we ever understand it? I hope and pray your maa finds peace in her mind. With a daughter like you, it shudn't be that tough!

    You make your mom proud, you make daughters like us proud and most of all Im certain you make ur dad proud!

    **huggggsss**

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  20. One thing i've known from what i've been reading through this space. You are a very remarkable woman. Not many would have had such strength, but you still do and "your dad would have been mighty thrilled to see his baby daughter in this new role" I'm sure.
    He's there smiling and taking you through...so there's no harm in grieving....**hugs you**
    And your mom must be so proud, even though she's sad. Thats a phase of life none can step into...but the coming moments will always give her strength to take her forward and look back with a smile

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  21. i really cant imagine wht its like to lose a parent...i think i wud feel orphaned...iam just glad that ur mother has u...yep, i do understand that there will come a time whn the child becomes the father to a man..( or a mother to a woman)..

    that shoe was bound to fit

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  22. They don't need to be a perfect fit though, do they, really? They only need be comfortable enough to put a spring in someone else's step, yes?

    Nice post, PS.

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  23. Jonice,Niall: Thank you.I'm okay now.

    Sue: I hope so.

    Silvara:True--memories live on.

    Suma:I'm oaky now--thanks Pal.

    Keshi:True--they had a great time together--but one cannot stop missing him.

    Ritu,Prats:Thank you for being so supportive.

    Tys:I too didnt know till it happened to me.

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  24. xh:I hope so too.

    Romila:Welcome!Glad you enjoyed your stay.

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  25. Adi crazy,Sandhya:Thanks so much for your words.They have a power to heal.

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  26. I LOVED READING THAT POST :) I MADE TEAR COME OUT!!!!!!!!

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  27. Kaylee: {Hugs}How are you feeling now?

    Scotty: You have a great way of puttin git.Well said, my friend.Thank you.

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  28. hmm i can understand how it must feel...some voids can never fill up...
    take good care of ur mom...shes a brave woman and deserves to smile always ...

    love and regards...

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  29. Hey Preets that was a very touching peice you have written & brought tears to my eyes too & I can imagine how difficult it must have been for you..to try & fit into those shoes..but you have done it my friend...Only a daughter as wonderful as you, could have helped your mother to move on with life. Having known your parents has been the biggest blessing for Vijay & me & the relationship they shared has always been the role model we love to emulate. The pain will still be there, since the wound is new. But with time & your Father's blessing ..it will ease ..& you will be able to talk about him without wincing. Talk about him you must, as his was a life story many should know & learn from as we have done. We thank God we had the priveilage of knowing him &, now see that you really are a chip of the old block. One day the Shoes will seem right, Preets.

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  30. Pri:Thanks for your kind words.

    SVK:Thanks my friend..Sometimes you dont want the shoes to seem right.You just want the owner back, which you cannot have--no matter what.

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